Book: “Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living”; Shauna Niequist

Why this book?

1. I stumbled over a video resource for this book a long time ago and it appealed to me back then.
2. This is part of my concerted effort to do more self-care for me.
3. There is a Brene Brown connection; they are mates and she wrote the foreword.

 

Foreword

Simon: love that the Foreword is written by one of my fave all-time human beings – Brene Brown. I did not know that they were mates.

Shauna has Benedictine passion re hospitality, gatherings and feeding friends

asked to meet up with Brene in Houston, said yes

“Let all guests who arrive be received like Christ” (St Benedict)

house a mess but decided not to cancel Shauna

both of us were in a mess/state – we both chose to be present over pretending to be perfect

best told through story – the book is full of them

both comforting & a little uncomfortable

an invitation to welcome the people we love, even ourselves (!), back into our lives

“God hasn’t invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something holy and beautiful—as beautiful on the inside as the outside.”
1 Thessalonians 4:7 (b)

Wild Geese (poem, Mary Oliver)

video of author reading the poem: https://youtu.be/lv_4xmh_WtE

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

-- over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Ship to Wreck

quote from Florence + The Machine’s Ship to Wreck: https://youtu.be/B9v8jLBrvug

full lyric: https://genius.com/Florence-the-machine-ship-to-wreck-lyrics

this is a love story, like all my fave stories

a story about letting yourself be loved, in all your imperfect, scarred, non-spectacular glory

about the most profound life change I have experienced so far

3 years ago wished someone else was living my life – exhausted – 2 kids (1, 6), finishing writing a book, including recipes, speaking at churches at weekends

filled my life so full was becoming a struggle to pull it along

missing lots of things I loved like connection, meaning, peace

relentlessly pushing

often sick, not sleeping enough, heart wounded, faith also at low ebb

had become someone I did not want to be or to be around

story about me moving from … to … :-

• exhaustion to peace
• isolation to connection
• hustling & multitasking to scared presence

your are invited to the same journey

it has been the greatest, most challenging, most rewarding sea-change of my adult life

incident of being invited by close mentor friend to event in SF, wanted to go, did not want to go – a challenge from her “Stop, Right now, Remake your life from the inside out.”

did lots of external things to work on this – e.g. time mgt, to do ists

NOT about that!

about love, worth, God, what it means to know Him & be loved by Him in a way that grounds and reorders everything

[ Simon: as a Christian, I am often prompted with songs – this one came to mind!
https://youtu.be/hmJSEhn7DtU

remaking my life from inside out

inviting you to that creative, challenging, life-altering work

it is work, not easy, not just bolting new things on, is rebuilding work from foundations up

the more life-altering parts of the work have been the moments that I have allowed / forced myself to stop, rest, breathe, connect – this is where life is, where grace is, where delight is

this is how I want to live the rest of my days – how I want to live the second half of my life

Richard Rohr says skills needed for first half of life are entirely unhelpful for second half

2 sins at work – gluttony – desire to escape - and pride – desire to prove

I want to taste & experience absolutely everything & be perceived as wildly competent

opposites of these are sobriety & vulnerability – this is who I am

I am learning to stand where I am, plain and sometimes tired

my prayer is that this book will be a thousand invitations to leave behind heavy weight of comparison, competition and exhaustion and to recraft a life marked by meaning, connection & unconditional love

 

Simon: this invitation resonates with me. I sense that I need to be less driven. There are regular pauses in my life when I gather with family, church in various settings including large groups, small group to refocus on other people and not just me e.g. in prayer meeting type settings. I find it easier praying with other people normally unless I am in deeply concerned about something going on in my own life.

Simon: interesting seeing Richard Rohr mentioned. He is often referenced by Christian leaders / speakers that I admire and yet I have never read any of his books. The book referenced here, I believe, is “Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life” (https://goo.gl/kq5j2R). This book is on my Some Day / May Be reading list. I am 56. I do not feel old. Work-wise and learning-wise, it does not feel like I am coming to the end of anything. The joy in my learning is getting greater each month. With the passing away of Mum and Dad 4 and 2 years ago respectively, I am increasingly aware of my own mortality and wondering how much of the my children’s lives I will live to see. I suspect that this book may be useful for all of us to read regardless of age and regardless of whether we think we are in the second half of our lives or not. I am reminded too of an article written by a lady for ladies that was mentioned recently on Twitter about our ages that was written by a lady about ladies for ladies and the concern some have about stating their ages. It was titled “"Just Say It” on the “Girls Gone 50: For Women Who Refuse to Let Age Define Them” (https://www.girlsgone50.com/home/2018/9/10/say-your-age) .I have become fearless and so despite it not being the done thing with ladies I often ask ladies (and men!) their ages. I loved this article and referenced it in a recent Twitter exchange (https://twitter.com/srjf/status/1073906398717718528) with Susan Saville (The Compassionate Midwife): https://twitter.com/SusanSaville3. I am prompted to ask if anyone wants to read this book with me at some point during this year? Just let me know if you do. As always, it would be great to have some company. PS if you are feeling fearless, you could always state your age in the comments … #controversial

 

Part 1: Sea-change

1.1: Sea-change

 

quote from Shakespeare’s The Tempest

(Simon: “sea-change”: “Shakespeare's usage incorporates the current meaning, that is, a radical change. He also made the expression richer by alluding to the literal meaning of 'a change that is brought about by the sea' “ (from).

in Tempest, man thrown into sea and is transformed under the waves into something entirely new

cf baptism: sign of new life from old life as we come out of the water

the book is the story of my sea-change – from one way of living to another

invitation to you to do the same – applies to all, no one is excluded

for me, realising that we all go through periods in our life that transform us

(Simon; making me think of sea-changes in my life including: going to Stirling University, going to Spring Harvest for 1st time, meeting Rachael, Cardiff Willow Creek Conference, 1st MOOC, 1st WOL circle, getting current house)

got fired – God’s way of moving me on

(Simon: ditto … and more than once!!)

always had a “Catholic imagination”, church in Chicago surrounded by Catholic churches and Catholics – loved stories, rituals, water cf liturgy, communion, baptism

I love physical, real things not just spiritual things

story of summer hols with husband/kids in same cottage – feels like worlds away from home

one July at end of my physical resources and it was showing  was start of invitation to a new way of living, each July after has been a deeper invitation

today fundamentally changed, my life now marked by quiet, connection, simplicity

took me3 years

there is a peace that defines my days, a settledness, a groundedness

always looked for these things outside of myself and not looking to myself

always given my best energy to things outside myself – a work-horse – that I did not need self-care (that was for the fragile, the special)

now realise that God’s Spirit dwells deeply in world but also dwells deeply  in me!

I ignored signs in my body

now know the best thing I can offer the world is not my force or energy but a well-tended spirit, a wise and brave soul

regret now the people I have bruised with my fragmented anxious presence

you do not have to damage your body & soul to get done what you think you have to get done

you do not have to live like this

(Simon: I find it amazing – surprised, not surprised – that Shauna’s view of self-care as documented in this chapter is exactly the same as my own. Self-care has come to my attention over the past year with increasing references in content that I come across online, the start of #SelfCareWeekly and me taking part in the pilots of Working Out Loud Self-Care circles. I am making conscious attempts to understand my blind spots and to do something about those. Grateful for how this has come to my attention and for the people and resources who are helping me understand this subject. I am at the start of this journey and already making progress …. )

1.2: Stuffed

there are times in our lives when things end

always been a more is more person but something inside me said no more

only less, less of everything

less of one more thing one more thing one more thing – where the one more thing is big or small, or cramming more hours in a day that has only ever had 24

exercise from a friend over a meal: if you had a blank calendar and a bank balance as big as you wanted what would you do?

for mem in response to that was I would stop, rest, do nothing at all, sleep

not just any little thing could make me this tired, I have had a lot on – I do not want you to think I am weak

I have done so many things

I ask husband more to help with dishes than about his life, dreams & ideas

who wins then? I showed them but who is “them”? who cares? whose voice am I listening to? what am I trying to prove? what would happen or be lost if I stopped?

there will always be time to do things “later”

I do not operate in “later” and been proud of that … but look where it has taken me

wrung out, over-scheduled … even things I love to do sound like obligations – deepest desires & fantasies involve sleep and being left alone!

there has to be another way .. on a mission to find it

make the space to taste my life once again

find a new way of living that allows for the rest that I need .. enough to feel whole and alive again, grounded and gracious

I ache for space, silence, stillness, Sabbath

less of everything

I do not know how to get there from here … I am stuffed

what makes you you, what makes you great, makes you different from everybody else … whatever that is, is also the thing that, unchecked, will ruin you

for me it is lust for life, energy, curiosity, hunger

I will go round this block 1,000 times in my lifetime, probably

I hope I am getting better at it … addressing the imbalance more incrementally now than a decade ago

BUT things have happened that have shown that incremental change will not address this issue for me

it needs work on the foundations of my life and to build a new way of living from the ground up

because … I am stuffed

[ Simon: what came to mind is the physical stuff that I have … books, CDs, etc in boxes that I have not looked at or played for years … I tried to address this physical (and digital!) hoarding via “Immunity To Change” (Harvard MOOC) a few years back. I did some throwing things away when we moved house 3 years ago, I now have piles on the boxes and my “office” is becoming claustrophobic … even looking for things for tax information is daunting simply going through 1 box of “recent” correspondence … it turns out that me as an efficiency machine is not as efficient I like to think that I am. This came home to me again last weekend when I had to contact the Tax Office with some information that I panicked about finding the hard copy for but the info was in an email from my sister and as it turned out that was all I needed after speaking to the tax people. I tend to always leaved things like this until any task becomes daunting, stressful, the opposite of joy etc. I do like the phrase “little and often” and I should practice that myself! Lots of this clearly is lack of self-discipline to organise as I go along and this goes for digital stuff that I accumulate eg for WOL circles, for book clubs etc. So, in Shauna’s words, I am stuffed too! Interesting to me that this is the main thing that has come to my mind as I have gone through this chapter. I am sure there must be other things that also come under this category. We will see as the book progresses. ]

1.3: Running Laps

I never know I need stillness & quiet until it is too late

I take care of “it” where that means everything – I am a “responsible” person

“fake-resting” when still ticking things off the to-do list while looking like I am resting .. I then become “real-exhausted”

part of being an adult is taking responsibility for resting your body & soul

part of being an adult is learning to meet your own needs … no one else is going to do it for you

most men do this automatically

even strong women struggle to meet their own needs

if I push on I will feel happy, whole, proud if I push on – like a drug

any activity keeps me from feeling

brings us to heart of the convo … the cavernous ache … am I loved? does someone see me? do I matter? am I safe?

if I hustle fast enough, the emptiness will not catch up with me

you can make a drug to anaesthetise yourself out of anything … over time will make you less and less able to connect to the things that matter (e.g your own heart, those you love)

can be terrifying to think of living without them … but starting to think about them is where we grow, learn, our lives change

[ Simon: I can often feel like this with work stuff when I over-own things that others are doing under the banner of a project or a support team. Also conscious reading this chapter of the load that my wife has with the kids (all at home, 16,18, 21, 2 youngest both at school, they get lifts to/from school and a bus station respectively) as she is more available with her shorter working day and no 1 hour each-way commute. ]

1.4: Dethroning the Idol

“busyness is an illness of the spirit” (Eugene Peterson)

I come from a long line of hard workers where work was estimable (“worthy of great respect”)

1st summer job when 11

went to a demanding high school re activities, volunteering at church

did lots of stuff at college

got the benefits of work – structure, discipline, skill, communication, responsibility

at some point became something else – an impossible standard to meet, a frantic way of living, ignoring my body & spirit

causes: my own belief that hard work can solve anything, pushing through is always the right thing … that rest and slowness are for weak people not high-capacity people like me

productivity became my idol

me getting things done was my calling card

could not imagine a world of unconditional love/grace

when you are a responsible person more people come to you to be that

tough and capable not the same as loving, kind, joyful

work never stops – do not kid yourself re one more thing only

I was so depleted I could not remember what whole felt like

I was using work to prevent myself from being acquainted with me

[ Simon: some parallels with me, self-reflection continues to be something that I need to do more proactively & regularly, defo need to spend more time with people including close family, rather than simply doing things the whole time. I am certainly a person who is known as someone who gets things done and need to learn to say “no” more including to good things that I want to do. ]

1.5: You put up the chairs

”I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

“but what are you going to do?” (about these issues, the business etc)

beware being utterly resigned to lives that feel overly busy / pressurised, disconnected & exhausted

you are the boss, you are allowing this to happen

we were all raised to build – bigger is better, more is better, faster is better

never occurs to us that anyone would intentionally keep something small or do something slow

we have some say over the size of our own lives – we have the agency, authority, freedom

loving one’s work is a gift, loving one’s work makes it really easy to neglect other parts of life

we are the ones who keep putting up the chairs

this is the challenge of stewarding a calling

[ Simon: re slowing down, reminded of Jason Fried’s “Putting on some wait” blog post which I saw this weekend. Reading this on a Monday, reminds me how fast weekends go and what did we do as a family, where does the time go, is each weekend the same as any other, sadness at the end of each weekend, how intentional am I about what I do on my own and with the rest of the family, how do we make the things we have to do like chores, shopping etc fun and stress-free. Also reminded me that as a loyal person, I invariably do not know when to stop things (e.g. specific roles in my life, organiser/leader of streams of events) and understand better the seasons of my life, aware of the phrase “do not let the good be the enemy of the best, but what is the “best” … ]

1.6: The Word That Changed Everything

[ Simon: reminded that I do need to know my true north – the compass for my life – so I know what I should say “yes” and “no” to. In some cases this has to be based on my roles (e.g. responsibilities and expectations) and regardless of what other people think including those that are closest to me or know me deeper than others. Also reminded that I do not need a “yes” to something else reason for saying “no” to something. ]

1.7: On Disappointing People

some people are very uncomfy about disappointing people e.g. kind people do not disappoint others

these people are heading for a rude awakening

along the way you will disappoint someone – not meet their expectations or needs – they may try to shame you

you get to decide who you are going to disappoint, who you say no to

gets easier over time!

you need a sense of God’s deep unconditional love & strong sense of your own purpose

beware compromising your purpose

can take a long time to figure out

tempting to go for instant gratification

rushing results in yes, easier to say no when more time

especially a challenge with people in authority or people we want to impress

one thing that makes it hard for me to disappoint someone is my tendency to overestimate how close I am to someone

many friendships actually grow when we are more honest with what we can and cannot do

people who do not care what people think of them do not generally struggle with disappointing people – harder for women than men, harder for mums than other women

be clear on your reason for saying yes and make sure it is a good reason

concentric circles: you, you and spouse, the kids, other people

aim to disappoint the people closest to the centre as rarely as possible

set realistic expectations in others

we disappoint people because of our limitations – understand what your limitations are

brings freedom

[ Simon: this is another of the things in my life that I should track and monitor. What am I being asked to do and why in all roles in my life. How do I normally respond. How should I respond. What are other people’s expectations of me. What are my expectations of me. Am I clear on my purpose and do I make decisions according to that purpose. Do people try to put me in a box when I asked to do things that are not me and not asked to do things that are me. Do I encourage that by not expressing who I am and what my purpose is. I am getting better at not living a lie and being clearer with myself about who I am. ]

1.8: What the lake teaches

water continues to be for me an enduring spiritual image

at the lake my priorities reshuffle, aligning more closely with my true nature

beware living in that kind of place – the oasis would become hustle and bustle place and you would need another place to recalibrate

being away allows us to see rhythms/dimensions of our lives more clearly

BUT lessons from the lake need to inform/ground how we live everywhere, all year long

lake gives me something to aspire to – reminder, rhythm, pattern

simple, connected to God and His world and His people

uncomplicated by lots of stuff

if you apply this there will be less for “others” to see – a work inside of yourself

the space that remains is beautiful & peaceful, full of life and connection

you have to start with the outsides – calendar, lists, saying yes, saying no

breathing room comes slowly at first then quicker and expands

for some addiction to motion so great that it needs dramatic gestures to address

some of being an adult is about protecting / preserving what we discover to be the best parts of ourselves

hint: they are almost always the parts we have struggled against for years – they make us weird or different, unusual but not in a good way

story of being on the beach instead of rushing around

… it felt more like a glass of water than a fire hose

for some, me, stillness is utterly foreign

rainy weather often makes us stay indoors to rest & be still

the presence of the natural world helps me

what people think about you means nothing in comparison to what you believe about yourself

crucial journey for me has been from dependence on external expectations, down into my own self, deeper still into God’s view of me, His love for me that does not change, that defines / grounds everything

when you finally decide to stop it is nothing but confusion and silence

you learn to be contented – alien concept

being just your own self – it is ok – it changes everything

you then realise you were not only made for contentment but also for calling, meaning, love which is a new conversation, almost like speaking a 2nd language

[ Simon: reminded of how great it feels on holiday to have no clutter! Minimalism! The reference to “beach” reminds me of Achnacloich beach on the Isle of Skye off the north west coast of Scotland, my and my family’s fave place in the world. We try to get there every other year. We see virtually nobody all day. Peaceful, even the waves are quiet. Changing weather. Recharge batteries. Beach, ocean, high mountains in the distance. The stillness is loud. A great place for reflection. We have a similar place inland, Bolton Abbey just countryside. We arrive there 1st set up a gazebo and sit by the river chatting all day. The kids bring friends. Other families join us. We play and walk and have ice creams. Become a bank holiday tradition for us to go on the May public holidays. The kids have even revised for exams in a circle by the river and play and work all day. Sharing food and drink. Including people and families that we do not know that well including parents of the kids’ friends. ]

Part 2: Tunnels

Chapter 2.1: Tunnels

I have a crazy brain that runs and spins, remembers obscure details and never stops

is why Q&A is my fave part of events

brain also runs ahead of me often, cataastrophising, over-analysing, spinning out

I am not a potter or a dancer, my mind is my only tool and my greatest challenge, an over-eager puppy, a spinning hamster wheel

a thread of inner violence in me, feeling profound self-hatred & that terrible darkness bleeds out into others around me

at one point the volume of that inner violence started to scare me – it was separate from me. not built on the true me

I knew they were an aberration

it may even have become more visible once I slowed down a little

may be why I had been running

(Tunnels is name of beach in Hawaii)

memorable moment snorkelling with son … a never-to-be-forgotten mum moment

the darkness was overwhelming at the same time – I had to change

processed my thoughts, a few things began to make sense:

the ongoing chaos, lifelong preference for busyness & ear-splitting volume – a way to drown out the darkness, no wonder silence terrified me – began to peer into the darkness, that plunging sense of deep inadequacy, always been there, did not know others had it BUT as I explored realised not everybody has it! some feel solid, loved, secure in their most inside secret parts

I still did not understand the solution but the problem was now clear – hustling was an effort to outrun the emptiness & deep insecurity inside me

started rebuilding that strong inner core – replacing the sludgy hatred with love

heart icon became important to me

over time that heart started to cover the darkness

used to believe in deepest way that there was something irreparably wrong with me

see now that love is the truth and darkness the lie

I was at my worst when alone and still

now stillness is where I feel safe & grounded

I can’t hear the voice of love when I am hustling

the more I practices this the more I began to feel truly present

[ Simon: I have the same kind of brain. I overthink stuff, often over-own things that should be for others to own, I need to address that. Topical as I am in that state today before a systems change that we are still testing with a fixed end in 3 days end date before something stops working for a major client (not caused by us!). Mind in overdrive thinking of the actions that are still needed and risks around all the things that could go wrong. The stillness is interesting too. I always need to be doing something – unless I am on holiday – otherwise I think I am wasting time. As I explore self-care, I am realising that I need that stillness more and more. ]

Chapter 2.2: Vinegar and Oil

friend gave me a picture of prayer – when you start praying imagine oil and vinegar dressing bottle –vinegar rests on top of olive oil – pour out the vinegar first (the acid, whatever is troubling you, hurting you, harsh, jangling your nerves/spirit – pour all vinegar out till gone

you then find the oil – we are going to be fine, God is real/good, present, working – the grounding truth of God, we are connected, we are not alone – the oil is luscious, thick, heavy with history, flavour

have to start with the vinegar or you will never experience the oil

I am learning with prayer that you do not get the oil until you pour out the vinegar

I have a terrible habit of not praying for things that seem too human/trivial for me e.g. parking spaces

I am learning that the God who loves me is not just looking for apologies and report cards – he wants me to bring the vinegar so I can taste the oil

As I pray my heart releases worries, fears etc to God – connection starts

God wants my whole self when I pray – He can be trusted with it

I have not trusted God with my full self for a long time

It is hard enough for me to do with people – a harder thing still for me to do that with God

you cannot get to the richness unless you are truly willing to be seen – vinegar and oil

[ Simon: I am increasingly comfortable in my own skin for how God has wired me. My inner critic is still louder than my true self. I rarely talk about this with God but I need to. I should know this! This is more reason for me needing the stillness to get a true voice speaking into my life. These days for the first time in my life I crave hearing people say specifically what they value about me in their life. For me this is the front line in the battle for my inner voice to speak objectively about me. I love food. I will apply the analogy of the salad dressing. ]

Chapter 2.3: A wide and holy space

“Try to keep your soul always in peace and quiet, always ready for whatever our Lord may wish to work in you. It is certainly a higher virtue of the soul, and a greater grace, to be able to enjoy the Lord in different times and different places than in only one.”
Ignatius of Loyola

worshipping at church is like we all grow up with half a pie and part of being an adult person of faith is finding the rest of your pie

e.g. back to meditation and liturgy

been part of my parents’ church for 40 years

we never take communion we receive communion

receiving is what put the world back together again

lots of strands of my faith coming together in my husband’s The Practice (alternative worship gathering)

a spiritual place that invites me into depth, quiet, silence

our God is so much bigger than one church or one way or one tradition – He uses such a wide & holy variety of people and voices and practices and for that I am profoundly thankful

[ Simon: I am aware that the book is now getting deeper into a Christian worldview BUT I hope that other readers are sticking with it. I am reminded that many people love the next new shiny thing and there is a trend in learning circles to “unlearn” things. I am a person who loves new things but also appreciates my/our heritage. In church circles the choice of music can be a battleground. I am a person who loves a wide variety of music. At church I love singing songs that were written thousands of years ago and songs that were written yesterday. I love the power of the internet that a song that gets posted on YouTube can be sung in churches around the world in the following days. I am appreciating history more and more in the wide variety of my worlds including business, music and faith. This is a good excuse to share some fave music. ]

https://youtu.be/KFivFBXKlP4

 

This next one includes a sample of Billy Graham …

https://youtu.be/qBVdrQt7xQo

This next was played at the committal of my Dad at his funeral last year, amazing when my kids and others started singing along to this, emotional (the vid was recorded in the church in Berlin where Dietrich Bonhoeffer was worship pastor …

https://youtu.be/XtwIT8JjddM

… I do love a rousing hymn ….

https://youtu.be/bvouc8Qs_MI

…. and an amazing version of “Be Thou My Vision” from a fave band of mine, Iona …

https://youtu.be/AU5ikNKB2Yo

Chapter 2.4: Daughter

[ Simon: Today is Pentecost Sunday, the day in the life of the Christian Church when Christians celebrate the coming of the Holy Spirit to the first group of Jesus’ disciples and the Christian Church was birthed. I was strongly prompted yesterday to get back to this January 2019 book and continue reading it after stopping back on 2 February. I decided some time ago that I should really continue and finish the book by reading it on Sundays – which should be my Sabbath rest. I understand how ironic all this is given what the book covers! I have managed today! ]

Christians more than anyone else should be deeply grounded, living a courageous rhythm of rest, prayer & service and work

that rhythm is Biblical – and 1 that Jesus modelled

Christians ought to be free in meaningful / radical ways to bow out of culture’s insistence on proving / competing

like Jesus, Christians should care more deeply about their souls than bank balances and waist sizes

I am a Christian but guilty of all these

may be I have failed my faith

historic faith tradition is a rhythm of feasts, holidays, Sabbath & evening prayers – a rhythmic beautiful life with God

you can find it again if you are willing to be creative, if fed up enough with noise/speed of the alternative

Christians have made too much out of work – twisted up versions of a purer thing

Christians want to make a difference … so we do and do and so … exhaustion

so many good causes to help that easy to get weary

as Christians we should be anti-frantic, relentlessly present to each moment, profoundly grounded and grateful

I am now looking to reimagine my faith as a soft place, the antidote to my addiction, not the enabler

relearning a set of patterns from the inside out: centring prayer, lectio divina, prayer of examen

[ Simon: went on a quick hunt for info on examen and found this page: https://buildfaith.org/review-your-day-with-god/. This strongly resonated with me as something that the WOL Self-Care circle guides are encouraging us to do, to review our lives daily in a number of areas and respond accordingly. These are practices that I am woeful at but know I need to do to reflect more and not simply allow my life to be a blur. ]

these go alongside my other practices – Bible Study, corporate worship, service

… to build an inner core of silence and substance, unshakeable in the business of life

some of us cannot connect with God except by doing and not being

[ Simon: I am definitely a person who needs to slow down more and have the ability to just sit and do nothing for periods of time. ]

I am relearning daughter-ness, mostly through silence and nature

nature reminds us that we are created too – we have been made, we are fragile – helps us acknowledge our Creator

in some seasons nature viewed as something that disrupts our plans

Chapter 2.5: Yellow Sky

being  a city person and my love for:-

1. energy
2. diversity
3. noise
4. variety of experiences
5. speed
6. volume
7. endless chatter
8. din of traffic
9. endless options
10. endless adventures

learning to dwell in the silence of my own heart

crave more and more for silence, for water, waves

spiritual director asked me about my prayer life, who I pray for and whether I sense a presence

challenged me to pray to Jesus not just an idea of God between Father and Spirit as if He was in the room with me

realised after many days thought that I connect to God via His creation and not to Jesus

wondered why …

felt that it was my need and not being comfortable having those needs and admitting to Jesus that I have those needs

tended to say “you got yourself into this mess now get yourself out”

recently been going back to need, admitting my needs, admitting that I need help

I had done the same in my prayer life as I had done in my earthly life – created a set of defences to prevent me from having to connect deeply with fear/ anxiety or complicated relational dynamics

I was a good soldier, responsible daughter, trustworthy servant … but not a deeply loved friend or trusting & fragile daughter

in same way as I did not allow myself to be taken care of by people, I did not know how to let myself be taken care of by God

discomfort is often the way through & so I began … picturing the face of Jesus as a person, friend, someone who loves me, knows me, sees me … began asking for help for all sorts of things that I did not feel I “deserved” to ask for – energy when depleted, patience when none left, courage when afraid … every time it was uncomfortable as it always is when you learn something new

no problem praying for others for small/large things

but starting now to become comfortable praying the contents of my own heart, the needs and challenges of my own spirit

feels awkward … feels life-changing

back to the spiritual director who told me you are ready to truly know Jesus in a deeper way .. start with being … start with silence

starts with “be”

“be still and know that I am God

[ Simon: lots of resonances with my own life … my recent ongoing work for self-care includes my faith practices … I need to do more work on my own personal prayer life for me and my own needs .. I am very good at praying for others … less good for me and my needs and being in silence … ]

Chapter 2.6: On Stillness

“I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
[ T. S. Eliot, “East Coker,” Four Quartets ]

1 of reasons I believe in God is seeing so clearly his loving & hilarious hand, guiding us to unlikeliest of places to find the healing we have been searching for all along

e.g. me being a writer & hating silence, stillness, introspection

a lifelong love affair with stories/words has brought me to stillness

reference to the Eliot quote above

the only way through emptiness is stillness – to show up in the stillness

the grounding, the healing is found in silence

sometimes I feel that I am the last person to finally own up to the fact that true silence can’t be avoided if you want to be a truly connected spiritual person: basically spent all my life avoiding true silence

it is in the silence that you can finally allow yourself to be seen … it is in the being seen that healing / groundedness can begin

being still and being seen / loved by God who created me from dust … I then start to carry an inner stillness with me back into the noise, like a secret

when I feel the chaos I locate that stillness, that grounded place

the treasure you have been searching for, for so long, was there all the time

[ Simon: I can be still and reflective but it is an ongoing challenge to that proactively. ]

[ Simon: reminding me of songs that we have sung in church settings: including “In the Secret” (https://open.spotify.com/track/3IKvXhChuuM1qBGPCNtGDU?si=gaUWJQXMQ3yuiJI8YoryXA) and “Be Still” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZugvUQ4m90U) ]

 

Chapter 2.7: Stars

not arrived at this place in an instant but after a thousand little reasons & voices

so many invitations that I finally realised I should have said “yes” to

invitations to an event where that event was my life

learning so much through silence & the space created in its absence

try to turn volume down in my head, it is loud

my job is to lower the volume just enough so my ears don’t bleed – so I can hear music of my life

I am an avoider, escaper, anywhere-but-here with all my thoughts/feelings kind of person

want to live in the present but rarely do – lots of issues were preventing me

when you insulate yourself from some of it, you insulate yourself from all of it – I want to be unarmed

beware to-do lists etc being armour against real life

in this season I am laying down my arms and opening my hands – simplicity – I am loving it

terrified of silence all my life – now loving it

cf silence between musical notes

any person can change to welcome the silence

read lots of contemplative people – but they tend to be written by … contemplative people

silence becoming my new home

whatever you think you cannot do without … when you release it … you will feel the rhythm you were made to feel and hear the space between the notes – sounds like your own heartbeat, the rhythm of God, of life .. the most beautiful song you have ever heard

on the morning of my decision to go finally go deeper into silence I bought myself a necklace with a tiny star on a gold chain

characteristics of stars:-

1. delicate
2. powerful
3. rising
4. constant
5. lighting the dark in small but glittering way

I touch the star regularly each day when doing something difficult & valuable

counsellor reminded me of Mary Oliver’s “The Journey” poem (it mentioned stars!):
words: http://www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html
read by Mary Oliver: https://youtu.be/tDVAzJKnk4c

“ …
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.”

note that you cannot see the stars in the city due to all the lights

when I get out of the city, I can see the stars

and they are beautiful

Part 3: Legacy

“You wander from room to room
Hunting for the diamond necklace
That is already around your neck.”
[ Rumi ]

3.1: Agency

agency or authority – owning one’s life, for better and for worse, saying out loud – This is who I am, This is who I am not .. This is what I want, This is what I am leaving behind

our culture teaches men to do this quite well, women not so much

learning that you have to stop doing a lot of things to learn what it is you really love and who it is you really are

many of us have lived for years with never answering these questions

in some cases there have been good things but great for others and not me

I was not standing in my own space and standing in other’s space

what does matter is to ask if this is consistent with how God has made me and called me

amazing to walk towards something that you truly love in your secret soul

you are not at the beck and call of those around you but you were made by hand with great love by the God of the universe .. He planted deep inside you loves/dreams/idiosyncrasies … you can ignore them as long as you want but they will at some point start yelling

worse! they can go silent and that is the real tragedy!

I have a new understanding that we get to decide how to we want to live

we get to shape our days/weeks .. if we do not, they will get shaped by “normal” & “typical”

you get to make your life – in fact, you have to! .. you can remake it too

many people I know have lived several lives

we get to decide … both so freeing & a beautiful responsibility

entirely your own creation, fashioned out of your dreams/fears

used to be governed by responsible and capable … now passion, connection, meaning, love, grace, spirit

the world will tell you how to live, if you let it. Don’t let it! Take up your space. Raise your voice. Sing your song. This is your chance to make or remake a life that thrills you.

Make your decisions in silence and solitude – in some seasons …

On the other side, people who love you most will be there to meet you!

only when we are truly alone that we can listen to our lives & God’s voice speaking out from the silence

learning to get into regular periods of silence and solitude

so unfamiliar with listening deeply to my own life & desires that I can only do it in context & confines of silence

I so easily lose my voice in a crowd

in seasons of deep transformation, silence will be your greatest guide

even if it is scary, especially if it is scary, let silence be your anchor, your sacred space, your dwelling place

it is where you will become used to your own voice, your agency, your authority, nurture your emerging authority

an incubator for your new-found spirit

for 1st time in my life, when I am alone/quiet, I feel my strength

I need more of it than I ever have – like a vitamin, like a safe house

 

Chapter 3.2: Legacy

story of Shauna in no-prep vid shoot ending up in tears on the subject of legacy

the invitations to remake your life come from every corner if you are looking for them

2nd invitation came in record-yourself answering qs to camera, legacy came up again, same tears

“The legacy I care most about is the one I’m creating with the people who know me best—my children, my husband, my best friends. And I have to make a change.”

still pondering what my legacy should be and what I want it to be

what do I give to those nearest to me vs people I do not know at all? the latter get most, the former get the dregs if anything

Chapter 3.3: It’s All Right Here

“Oh, the fear I’ve known,
that I might reap the praise of strangers
and end up on my own.
All I’ve sung was a song.”
[ “Maybe I was wrong”; Indigo Girls, “Language or the Kiss” ]

convo with man on a ferry, friend of a friend, others left the chat, story of his life as public speaker that he loved, giving best of his energy & attentiveness, sounded amazing, next part of story, able to make people feel loved in an instant but lost the ability to demonstrate actual, real love to wife/children at home

a challenge to show love over the long haul, day after day

he is now alone, not living with wife/kids

a common story where our “work” takes up our best energy & time

lots of us don’t know how to fix the problems we have created, never learned the skills to navigate such difficult intimacy

we spend time mastering other things or diving into info when under our control but relationships less controllable, we tiptoe away, cavern between us

this is happening all around us – starts with tiny distance but becomes wide and creates space for another person leading to a whole new level of pain/violence

often hard and painful at home but more joyful at work

domestic argument with my husband and kids “Everybody else loves me more than you three”

a wake-up call

1 of great hazards is quick love, which is actually charm

your act is easy, being with you, deeply with you is difficult

better to be loved than admired

better to be truly known and seen and taken care of by small tribe than adored by strangers who think they know you in a meaningful way

many of us were utterly unprepared for the true intimacy required for deep, vulnerable marriage

quick charm easier for some than deep connection

quick charm tho is like sugar – rots us

only love feeds us

love is built over the long haul

if you can wean yourself off the things that make you avoid the scary intimacy required for a rich home life that is when love can begin – but only then, it is all in here not out there

Chapter 3.4: The Man In The Tuxedo

surprise opportunity - instead of immediate yes, I said I would speak to husband and agent

then worry - body speaking to me - only now starting to listen to my body

I frequently pay more attention to how I should feel about something than how I do actually feel about it

husband not happy as opportunity meant big cost to the family and was that not all over

the words tough, responsible, should have never led me to life and wholeness

small group - wanted to share the issue there

but someone shared a story about a man dying in a month from cancer wanted video shoot - when time came he was in a Tuxedo - turned out was wedding toasts for his kids' weddings as he won't be there - word for word - wanted to spend every minute of the last days of his life giving

the group turned to me and said you wanted advice for something - I said no, not now! new perspective

I am learning to make things right

said no to the opportunity - a clear shot at a new future - they understood with another invite when more appropriate timing etc

laying things down as leaving this old way of living - making space for the important things/people in my life

the no I said today makes space for yes

sometimes you need to say not one more time, I won't get this wrong again

a man in a tuxedo showed me a better way

Chapter 3.5: The Spring of the Basketball Hoop

we said we would get a basketball hoop for home – not really a serious suggestion – but later husband brought one home (free from a kerbside stall)

all confused but delighted

a high one and a lower one

was well used and reduced stress and worry for each of the family – was well loved

we play before and after school – it is contagious

well used by visitors of all ages

even tagged someone on IG and they came over to do a better dunk

part of family nostalgia

become a centrepiece for family and friends gatherings

feels right increasingly for our boys’ desires to inform our decisions – not all !

I and husband are not home-ies, not into routine, we love to travel, changes of scenery – the boys are teaching us about home, patterns, the most meaningful ways to spend our time

our home becoming more of an anchor and less a place to land

our driveway with the hoops is becoming a place where our life enfolds and I am loving the change

Chapter 3.6: When Brave Looks Boring

brother lives on same street, often round our house seeing us and the boys

chat one day just me and him]

I made snarky remark about joys of matrimony

he said how brave we were raising a family and persevering through hard times, patience with the kids

he has done amazing things including sailing round the world but he called us brave

he was right  brave does not always involve grand gestures

brave when you stay instead of leaving, telling the truth when you would rather change the subject

but grand gestures are not always the brave things

sometimes the most beautiful things are the invisible / unsexy things

brave these days is a lot quieter for me

brave is being still when I want to rush around

brave is listening instead of talking

brave is articulating my feelings incl sad, scared, fragile instead of confident, happy, light

brave is doing the relationships work so it is a joy not a chore

easier to be impressive to strangers than to be consistently kind behind the scenes

brave is being quiet, getting off the drug of performance

brave is trusting that what my God is asking of me and those close to me are asking of me is totally different from what the culture says I should do

brave can look boring and that is totally OK

Chapter 3.7: Present Over Perfect

I held on to this phrase a few Christmas-es ago when the house was a mess with laundry, presents, wrapping paper & half-eaten food everywhere + lots of things still to do

desire for a beautiful Christmas clashing with living my life – same feeling throughout my life – I want everything to be spectacular, epic, dramatic but to force that you need to hustle a lot

choice – continue to go for the epic or live my life in the mess – the only life I will live which I am in danger of missing

chose to be present over perfect that Christmas and all since

still tempted to revert back

my life has been enriched and transformed – marriage, parenting, friendships, my connection to God

not about working less or more necessarily

reject the myth that each day is new opportunity to prove our worth – rather the truth is that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling

about learning to show up as we are with our massive imperfections, weak, wild, flawed in thousands of ways but still worth loving

about realising that what makes our lives meaningful if not what we accomplish but how deeply, honestly we connect with the people in our lives, how wholly we give ourselves to making a better world through kindness & courage

perfect to me is now a dirty word like many others – brittle, unyielding, plastic, distant, more image than flesh

calls to mind stiffness, silicone, an aggressive/ unimaginative relentlessness

perfect and the hunt for it will ruin our lives – that is for certain

ache for perfection keeps us isolated & exhausted

we keep people at arms length

try to reach the ideal that never comes

missed so much of my life by trying to be perfect

now seeing that perfect is safe, controlled, managed

now drawn to mess, darkness, shabby things to be loved or wildly imperfect in their own gorgeous ways

ditto with untidy music, people who are more honest than is usually acceptable

not hustling anymore for perfect

present us rich soil, fresh warm bread, no makeup, old clothes, a mug reminding me of my past, old Bible, journal with secret dreams, not pretty, not meant to be

present is living grounded in reality, pale/uncertain

choosing to believe what your own life is worth investing deeply in instead of waiting for a rare miracle or fairy tale

understanding that the here and now is sacred, sacramental, threaded with divinity even/especially in its plainness

present over perfect living is:-

1. real over image
2. connecting over comparing
3. meaning over mania
4. depth over artifice
5. the risky/revolutionary belief that the world that God has created is beautiful + valuable in its own terms + does not need to be jazzed up

sink deeply into the world

breathe in the smell of rain

listen to leaves in Autumn wind

this is where life is

here

now

you

just as you are

perfect has nothing on present

bought white Converse All Stars as plainer simpler way of living instead of heels and pencil skirts – my armour for my frantic professional world – The Chucks then became a symbol of my transition from one season to another

I wear them when I want to feel totally grounded, low-drama, my own true self

when I see them they are a sign – a reminder that I:-

1. want to live both feet firmly planted on earth
2. want to be right here right now
3. am loved and known
4. do not have to hustle or perform

good to have physical reminders of deep inner revolutions

not my 1st pair so feel familiar, part of my heritage, a return to my essential self

retracing my steps to find the woman I used to be – she is definitely  nowhere near perfect, but I like her better, I am determined to find her again

Part 4: Walking On Water

Chapter 4.1: Walking on Water

filters colour everything

cf my shame “glasses”

when I take them off, different stories, esp ones from the Bible

story of being with a Jesuit priest with others and being asked to imagine being in a Bible story –Peter walking on water, what can you see, smell etc, which character are you?

familiar story, I always understood the scolding part, yes I will try harder and stay focused next time

story repeated n times in that session

realised I was twisting the story and had done all this time – you will find in a story whatever you are looking for

I interpret whatever I hear negatively

realised for the first time that Jesus rescued Peter before scolding him

then realised was not a scolding but a post-match debrief 

never saw that before because I am trained for shame and I find it everywhere even when nowhere to be found in realty

no wonder why I never shared with Jesus when I am scared or fragile

made my prayers sound like board meeting minutes re done, in progress, could do better etc

when I pray now I am reminded of this story and my new understanding and reminded that I am building a new set of stories – the ones that were true all along

cf when my sons were learning to swim

rescue – even the word moves me

then the question from Jesus – why did you doubt me? NOT .. what is wrong with you!

He says “we’ve got this, we will do it together”

makes me wonder how many other Bible stories have I twisted to tell my own story? what is the real story of each one for me

grateful for that prayer of imagination session

some of us will always read Bible passages in that old way

tonight I will fall asleep picturing myself walking on water and then picture myself being rescued

Chapter 4.2: Baptism

new trend in books of “burn it down” stories of women doing crazy and bold things

this book is my “burn it down” story – burning my own expectations of who I had to be, what people needed me to be, the distance thosbe expectations created between God and me and between people and me and the beauty of the world and me

2o years ago, bought a card with these words which I stuck on the front of a notebook that I went on to completely fill

“Barn’s burnt down. Now I can see the moon.” (Masahide, Japanese mystic)

18-20 I was a hippie, a mystic, big reader, lover of water + sky

now nearly 40, person I am under all these layers is closer to who I was at when I was back then and not the identities I have tried on since then

feel a longing to be outside – not felt that for years

drawn to the table and water – our home + edge of the big water – the 2 most sacred places I have ever known

or look at this as communion and baptism – the bread and the wine and the water

recently at a baptism service for 2 babies, kids teacher explained about baptism .. reminded me of how water washes us, makes us clean, brings new life, quenches our thirst

thinking of my life now reminded of Pigpen  from Peanuts and how he was drawn in a cloud of dust – picture of rush and business

that was me but I did not know how that happened to me – I create chaos, I am drawn to chaos to address the quiet which terrifies me – the noise protecting me from feelings I don’t want to feel

now by the water, blank pages, silence bar the waves and some thunder

this is crazy as I felt fear of facing the silence in case there was nothing inside myself, empty, hollow – unable to find life without the chaos

instead finding that my willingness to be fragile actually makes me strong

I found love, peace, stillness + gratitude in silence

used to overwork to feel important

learning now that feeling important to someone else is not valuable to me the way I thought it was

feeling connected is very valuable but feeling helpful to strangers does not do it for me anymore

raining now, horizon is foggy, sound of rain is musical, sweet, birds are singing, temperature dropped quickly, cool breeze coming off the water, infused with misty rain

love the smell of rain on grass

watching storms

blue to grey colours

stripped calendar – senses more acute, music, nature, poetry touching me more deeply like when I was an adolescent

mid-life turning out to be recovering my essential self and not finding a new one

hold close to your essential self, get to know it,  like you do when you love someone else and how you get to know your child

she was always there but I left her behind, almost lost her when I thought constant motion would save me, that outrunning everything would keep me safe

you cannot be a mystic when hustling all the time

can’t be a poet when speaking in certainties

can’t stay tender and connected when you hurtle through life like being fired out of a cannon

the natural world is breathtakingly beautiful

people are so weird, awesome, loving, life-giving

why, then, did I try so hard for so long to get away without feeling or living deeply

story of a person with their spiritual director listing all his disappointments – the priest yelled his name and said those are the terms, what’s the invitation?

we like to think we set the terms and we issue the invitations

maturity perhaps is realisation that we are handing out neither

my 1st brushes with the terms of my own limitations did not bring me to maturity – but instead to blame, anger, fist-shaking, sputtering with fear + outrage

even I eventually came round to the invitations, and the idea that our lives are not blank slates but beautiful nevertheless – no! beautiful because of that, created over time in love, sickness, moments of courage and terror

getting older means we look at our own lives and selves the same way we love our partners + children

what do you need to burn down in your life, to make space for a new way of living?

what seems immoveable until you start to move them and find that when you do everything changes?

I now feel brave, uninsulated, unarmed, makes me bold

for the 1st time in a very long time, I am listening to my own voice + desires, articulating my own vision for my life

cf wearing glasses for the 1st time, seeing things clearly and brightly

you see your life more clearly than ever before

you realise life cannot continue as it has been going – either fix the cracks or let the connections break

facing myself for the 1st time in a long time, seeing myself for what I am – right + wrong, strong + fragile

all the things all in one

Chapter 4.3: Must Be Nice

example of deep jealousy of a friend, kept on using the phrase “must be nice” when I spoke to/of her

her life seemed lighter than mine

I could no longer handle my life – no longer hyper-capable, ultra-dependable

while I was doing that she was connecting, playing, resting, asking for help

I wanted to do the things she was doing

we have been told envy and jealous are bad things and we should push them away

but learning that envy is useful tool to point out our desires esp those we we are not feeling yet

I committed to learning about my jealousy towards her

of the jealousy, what are you? what do you have to teach me?

I found longing for a life that was right-sized for me

when I made my life consistent with my longings, my jealously of her went away

celebration points (milestones) on my journey, when I lose the jealousy of specific others

I now author my own pace + life

I celebrate with others who do the same

I know that sometimes the darkest parts of us can be our teachers

what makes you say “must be nice” of others?  be brave enough to process that without pushing it away

Chapter 4.4: Your Mess Is Mine

story of a friend’s dad who the friend was embarrassed about ringing the author about it before a party at the friend’s house where all 3 and others would be present

we often:-

1. feel embarrassed
2. want to hide
3. want to conceal
4. want to control the out of control and painful things about our lives, stories, families

love, tho, does not allow hiding – it invites whole selves, whole stories into the light

friendship sees into our secrets , our elaborate games/excuses, carries all this mess together, so you do not have to hide, so you carry it together – what a miracle!

we both know stories about each other of the extremes of life in our families

that is what friendship is and what it does

life has shallow and deep ends for all of us

do not just go on appearance

I go to the party and do what I do to support my friend and her dad

we see and know things in others because we are friends

we carry each other

we are so much more similar than different, our secrets largely the same

my friend is not alone, she has friends

we carry the mess together, your mess is mine

[ found this blog post while looking for a graphic for the Workplace post ]

Chapter 4.5: The Narrowing

story of life in Niequist home – evening at new park, after Thai home made curries then I prep-ed house for bedtime while husband/eldest son walked round neighbourhood hile I read a novel, next day, chores etc then on patio with neighbour kids playing basketball

as watched the basletball struck how much changed over the last 3 years – felt it was outside of me but also inside of me – the relentless changes

amazed at how things are utimately connected, prefer emptier house of stuff, easier dressing when fewer choices

clearing away stuff – less, less, less – creating quiet in our home – the quiet gives me energy

the simplicity feels spacious, inspiring – I can draw a clean breath

I am starting to learn a new slower speed + feel my heartbeat elevate stressfully when I feel the old need kicking in

that old me was scared, wanted to hide, was always outrunning

learning to silence the noise, around/within me, let myself be seen/loved not for what I produce but because I have been created by hands of a holy God – like every other thing ontghis earth – equally loved/seen

seems to me some get this early in life and are deeply fine – don’t have to push, prove, earn, outrun – they are rare and lucky

most of us are not like that

Chapter 4.6: Good Fruit

you do not have to sacrifice your spirit, joy, soul, family, marriage on the altar of ministry

just because you have capacity to do something does not mean you have to

things need to bring fruit in others and in your own life

some believe if something hurts badly, it mst be God’s will for you

and opposite, if it produces fruit it must be God’s will for you

reviewed these views and found them 50% or more wrong

lots of examples of fruitful ministries and starved marriages – this is not healthy or God’s intent

my family is not perfect but dad communicated to me strongly that our family life mattered immensely and that time with each other was sacred]

one reason for choosing writing as ministry was so not get sucked into the demands of church

my greatest regret – allowing other people’s vision for my career and calling take away from my own

if you are not thriving the whole of your ministry is not thriving

rest of family doing well but I was struggling

I became a poor sub for the wife and mum I should have been

I was not well but was very productive

I was an author who did not know how to author her own life

when you hand the pen to others to write your life, hard to get the pen back

now realising I am responsible for:-

1. stewarding my own life
2. my desires and limitations
3. my capacities and longings

I can do far less than I originally believed

my first priority is for my family – I am not a fire hydrant

being a woman and a Christian does not start us off well in this as we are taught to give and give and give and give little regard for our own lives

I am not building the Kingdom (which I am a part of) if I am destroying myself

wholeness prevails

discovering that every day, every hour, there is a way of living that is so sweet, full, whole, beautiful you will never want to go back once you have tasted it

do you know what it is like to be truly rested? 20 years on, I do now

do you know what it feels like to be connected in deep/lovely ways to those you love the most?

do you know the sweetness of working hard then stopping to recuperate and go again

what I am leaving behind does not make me feel empty rather full, powerful, purposed, stronger

not building a castle / monument but a soul and a family

my body and my soul are the only things that have been entrusted entirely to me – they will become again living sacrifices to God

I am giving myself back to Jesus – my body, mind, spirit, life, voice, table

it is for and with Jesus

beware how much of you you give to others

when we die, we will give an account of our life

burnout is not just for the rich, famous or profoundly successful, happening to all of us

listen to your feelings, body and spirit

you are not meant to carry this alone

Jesus’ healing and restoration is for all of us – even leaders and servers

Chapter 4.7: On Jesus

centre of my life right now – Jesus, husband, gratitude, strength

 

other things being/been left behind, things trapping and exhausting me

 

so thankful for what it means to be human and for this world and how gorgeous, odd, heartbreakingly lovely it is

 

long list of things that the author is thankful for, small and large

 

used to be afraid that I was hollow somehow, only existing if someone could see/hear me

 

used to try to never be on my own/alone with myself

 

when I finally was, astounded myself – no fear at all, instead I found strength – an unshakeable core of love, passion, desire to make the world better – I found focus and a sense of power I had never known

 

when you start to understand how strong you are, you realise you do not need a shell at all

 

still tricky for me imagining Jesus sat beside me – likewise me handing over to Him all my silly concerns

 

I sit with Jesus human-and-divine being sent to be with us

 

I practice being with Him – feels awkward

 

I am learning as I sit with Him allowing myself to be heard, my heart held, my dreams known

 

makes me more connected with family and others around me – I hear them more as I am heard

 

my sense of strength is growing

 

so much of life is about reclaiming, rediscovering, recovering from a time many days ago

 

my heart grows more compassionate, my gratitude increases, more humble, more thankful, less fearful

 

at the centre of it all that is the whole of who I am – this God-ward heart

 

Amen

Part 5: Living In Time

“The greatest tragedy of human existence is not to live in time, in both senses of the word”
[ Christian Wiman, “My Bright Abyss” ]

Chapter 5.1: Clearing Away

1 of heaviest things I am leaving behind is the opinion of others

 

as an author your work is judged + measured pubicly all the time

 

writing is such good training for life, if you allow it to be .. forces you to get comfortable with failure and criticisms of being too low or to high etc on each evaluation scale

 

even with close friends we do not all agree on theology, politics or education or indeed anything at all

 

friendships not forged in sameness

 

all of our worlds are diverse

 

also leaving behind the need to please everyone

 

I want to respect, learn from all people esp those with different views to me, who disagree with me

 

BUT pleasing for me is over

 

pleasing such a fraught, freighted word, seems saccharine and over-sweet

 

[ Simon: reminds me of “nice” ]

 

let us do so much more than simply please people

 

let us see them, love them, delight them, look deeply into their eyes

 

pleasing is shallow, temporary joy

 

not nearly as valuable or rich as seeing, connecting or listening

 

cf fast food vs home made food

 

started as a clean love for hospitality, but over the year, I think, devolved into:-

1. caretaking
2. people-pleasing

at the expense of:-

1. my own self
2. telling the truth about what I think + what I need
3. what matters most

 

now I want to love deeply + well – this is not like pleasing

 

I am learning to trust:-

1. the voice within
2. the voice of God’s Spirit
3. the whisper of my own soul

 

as a result the screaming of the crowd matters less or even not at all

 

individual people now matter more to me than ever before:-

1. eye-to-eye
2. uninterrupted
3. deeply connected

 

[ Simon: reminded of the song “Contact” ]

 

nameless, faceless swamp of opinions has less to say to me than ever before … the freedom in that is astounding

Chapter 5.2: Learning To Play

one of my new things is playing – 1 of many, feel like an adolescent – changing, growing, trying new things

 

on returning to real life, I want to keep my summer heart – flexible, silly, ready-to-play, ever-so-slightly irresponsible

 

for all sorts of reason, I resort to hustle

 

hustle is the opposite of heart

 

I am learning to play – to purposely waste time

 

have no purpose – on purpose

 

being aware of that internal engine that always wants to go faster, faster, faster

 

that engine is not the best part of me – my heart is the best part of me

 

I am finding that my heart loves to play

 

what would our lives be like if our says were studded with tiny, completely unproductive, silly, non-strategic, wild, beautiful 5-min breaks – reminders that our days are for loving, learning, laughing NOT for pushing, planning - reminders that it is all about the heart, not about the hustle

Chapter 5.3: Morning and Evening

used to go to bed late to maximise the hours, often fully dressed

 

Ariana Huffington recommends wearing pyjamas – body listens to what we put on it – do not confuse your body

 

I am finally learning to rest my body and my mind in loving, peaceful ways – learning that it matters – self-care now an active category for me

 

also learning to save margin in my day at start and end, go to bed and wake earlier

 

bringing the lake way of living into the rest of the year

 

e.g. live more outside – at start and end of day – in porch – not fully outside or inside

 

reminds me of nature that being inside does not

 

breathe in outside air at start of each day even when very cold

 

makes me feel part of creation, think about God and all the wonderful things He has made and is making

 

I feel small and part of it

 

thankful for another day

Chapter 5.4: Simplicity

love that the Catholic/Jewish tradition are so connected to real, touchable, material life

evangelical/protestant Christianity so often severs that link unhelpfully

what we own, touch, carry, surround ourself with, how we regard our possessions & our physical selves matters

always know this but learning it in new depths now

aching for simplicity inside myself

creates space around and in me

cf clothes I pack for trips vs what I actually wear

got rid of lots of my wardrobe

some people love wearing their clothes

at a place where I like almost a uniform – narrow choices that make me feel most like myself

my wardrobe now reflects who I am

cf my kitchen – simplicity, focus brings me great joy

I am worse with kitchen crockery than clothes

got rid of loads and kept plain white plates etc that match and easily replaced

the more I let go of the happier I have become

cf holiday cabin – no clutter, easy for 2 weeks, but when there I do not miss the stuff

just take what we need

cf books, everywhere in our house, got rid of lots of them to charity shop

when fewer choices I make better decisions when I make fewer decisions – frees up time for the more important decisions

the ambient noise in my life gets quieter when there is less stuff in my life and fewer decisions to make about that stuff

in newfound spaces is space for connection, rest, listening, learning

changed my purchase decision making process – fewer things coming into my house

also in gifts for others – now timeless, useful gifts – or better experiences for us to share

marriage has been enriched, more time together

the most important things are not things

freed up space to make memories around the table

how we live matters, what you choose to own will shape your life, whether you choose to admit it or not

let’s live lightly, freely, courageously surrounded only by what brings joy, simplicity and beauty

Chapter 5.5: Happy Medium

our culture wants women to be skinny & tired from relentlessly shrinking & hustling

not against skinny – you be you

I will be me

I won’t be skinny in 6 months, things will happen – been this size since 14 – this is what God gave me

I am now choosing to be happy

I want to offer you grace & nourishment – the opposites of what I have been able to give for so long – exhaustion & starvation

this is hospitality at its core

you can rest, you do not have to starve

I will practice hospitality to myself any my own body

hospitality not perfection

even when I am unhappy with my body

room for good days and bad days with my outlook on my body

I might never nail this though I have wanted to

might be one I just learn to make space for in my life & heart

here’s to being medium & sometimes being happy about it & giving myself space & grace when I am not

Chapter 5.6: On Snow

“God’s voice thunders in marvellous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, “Fall on the earth,” and to the rain shower, “Be a mighty downpour.” Job 37:5−6

I love the freedom and grace that flood through me when I read this passage

to the snow and rain, just do the one thing I have created you to do

love the simplicity of that

do your thing – what you love to do, what you were created to do

exhausting trying to be someone else

what do you do effortlessly and easily

tremendous value in travelling back to our essential selves – the loves, skills, passions that God planted in us long ago

what does your passion bubble over for?

what do you need to leave behind to recover the essential self that God created?

what do you need to walk away from to reclaim those parts of you that God designed, unique for you and for His purpose?

Part 6: Throwing Candy

When we are who we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze.
[ St. Catherine of Siena ]

Chapter 6.1: Throwing Candy

experience 2 summers ago

1 of those things will never be the same again moments

invited somewhere, knew something was there for me to learn, lots of unknowns

lots of space and silence

stripped back to who I really am

1st time for a very long time, I was really paying attention

tradition there to throw candy for kayakers from nearby camp

lots of activity in water one day, swimmers, boats etc and host still threw candy

irresponsible (key word!) I thought but all was well

over time I made fun of candy throwers

we missed out on the fun, joy, laughter, silliness because I was busy being busy

hardest changes I have made in a long time but I am not going back

I am done with that kind of responsible

don’t want my life to end and look back and realise best thing about me was that I was organised, executed well, ran a tight ship, never missed a detail

I want to look back and remember all the times I threw candy even when it made no sense, especially when It made no sense

my situation is why I throw candy every chance I get

Chapter 6.2: Essential Self

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”
[ Thomas Merton ]

a place where I go to write in silence, deep sleep

my journey like the peeling of an onion, now reaching the centre, leaving behind the things that do not work in my life any longer

middle age

every new season of our life calls us to leave things behind from the prior season

every situation in our lives has the potential to be a sea-change in our lives, an invitation to leave behind what is not essential and to go deeper

we will do this all of our lives, not a 1-time leaving behind things

for me, a new thing emerged – “opinions”

always had them! but now started tumbling out of my mouth

truth-telling is contagious & addictive, once you start is hard to stop

I had done what “people” thought was good for me and what “should” be done, became what I “expected” to become which did not get me where I wanted to be

learning to trust my feelings & my strong opinions – believing they will be better guides than the nameless, faceless “they”

session with mentor who pushed me to be really specific on what I wanted

I ignored what I had said to her and kept on living as I did before with work overshadowing everything

did not realise at the time how unhappy that was making me

rationalised it as God’s will for my life

finally realised that we do not all love the same things

look at your deepest dreams & who you have always been – the things you love that no one else does, the time in your life when you feel most beautiful even if no one else thinks so

drawn back to the water, simplicity, margins, mystery

drawn to the table, old friends, quiet evenings, books, home, family, life spent on porches

back to being a hippie like I was in school, my life in a backpack

going back to the places you used to go to find the self you used to be – drawn back to my past, who I have always been underneath all the shell that needs to go

 

Chapter 6.3: Heart and Yes

me and my tattoos

latest ones now are a heart and “Yes”

heart: love, God’s love, I am loved by God no matter what, I do not know much about unconditional love, feels like I am tasting it for 1st time

when I pray, I see a red heart and God’s love for me from before I was born t long after I have gone

start my day, eyes closed, thinking of that heart and how nothing I do can earn God’s love or lose God’s love, unconditional love changes everything

I wanted to carry that red heart with me on my left arm (I am left handed)

I want love to propel all that I make, create,write NOT competition, not fear, not proving

“Yes”: a retreat with men and women where said “yes” to jumping from a cliff after the men had jumped, was a symbol for being awake, alive, showing up, jumping

bought sweatshirt that said “Say Yes” in navy and gold – wore it regularly

those 2 words had not described me for a long time but words that I aspire to

saying yes means not hiding, being seen in all your imperfections & insecurities, doing scary things with no guarantee of being perfect, telling the truth regardless of consequences, inviting chaos & possibility, building a new future regardless of the past, jumping in anyway

part of my journey to yes means learning to say no

I do not want no to be my knee-jerk response to all of life

does need to be no to pressure & expectations but I want it to be yes to all the positive things

this “yes” on my other hand

got them done with a girl friend

I know some have negative views about tattoos

for me, these are lines I have drawn in the sand that are visible to me all the time as twin symbols of how I want to live

symbols of my future, calling, identity

I’m loved and I choose to say yes. Yes. Yes!

Chapter 6.4: Ballard Locks

husband and I are firecrackers, both want what we want and dream hard

we fell hard, romance, wildness – met in my 22nd birthday week

back then, please see me for more than pastor’s daughter, see a poet, fighter, thinker, please see me

was a wild season in Santa Barbara – mess and beauty – but then wanted to reconnect all parts of my life back to the spiritual part of me

did not how to do that apart from reconnecting with church that my parents started

got a job there

met Aaron (husband) on 1st day there

he was a worship leader, I did have thing for musicians but not worship leaders, was barely into worship, lots of stereotypes I felt towards him

my view today is wildly different, I could not have been more wrong about him back then

I thank God for a partner who makes intentional space for who I am even when I do not do that for myself

would never have been a writer without Aaron

------

so much travel together and separately that wedding anniversary became a blip each year

4 years ago he toom me to NYC, changed how we do wedding anniversaries since – planned months in advance where and what we want to do

friends with kids had an affair, shocked us, made us ask questions about marriage, secrecy & friendship & what it looks like to build durable, whole, healthy marriages

last anniversary in Seattle, last afternoon of our trip walked through Ballard talking about relationships breaking down and how that happens, we got real with each other about our vulnerabilities

talked about fragile seasons and why they were fragile and what repaired them, the kinds of people, personalities, attention that we might be vulnerable to if we were not careful

apologised to each other for the times we had caused distance between us

talked about what would connect us in deeper ways

I never imagined you could talk like that in a marriage

so amongst all the romance, wine, fancy hotel there was a cold, grey walk across the locks, saying the things you never say, taking the power out of them and making us stronger

Chapter 6.5: New Fuel

now to the last steps in my storytelling

spoke to editor about hard to finish writing this book

this time tho was not about fear/anxiety – the struggle is to finish without those

all calm

but panic helps you finish things

it was freedom, but is this the end of the road for a writer?

do I have anything left to say?

or to say this another way, what powers our work when it is no longer about addiction to achievement?

-----

almost detached as I tried to write the ending

writing has been so much part of my identity

my love affair with books endures and is growing – love for reading remains but love of writing is conspicuously waning

wondering if due towriting becoming to me:-

1. a way of proving myself
2. defining myself
3. articulating something about my identity and worth

you do not simply have to facilitate other people’s work, you can have your own voice and use it

thankful very day to be a writer, to work with words, ideas, sentences, to get to tell the truth about the world as I see it

so why do I still write?

because writing has become my love letter, my way of telling the love story that has changed my life

what fuels me now is love

never want to go back to the old fuel

words come more slowly now. process is less frantic & jittery – I think that is just fine

Chapter 6.6: And The Soul Felt It’s Worth

O holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear’d and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary soul rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

 

take me c40 years to feel the value of my worth

see line about worth in the carol

I have been on a journey for a sense of my own worth:-

1. the sense that we matter
2. someone sees us
3. we are loved & valued

some try to earn it, others avoid the pain of unworthiness via escapism in drugs, alcohol, sex etc

others pretend to be perfect

BUT every soul is worthy because God made every soul and wants to be with us to teach us how to live in His love and worthiness

it was there all along for me, is there all along for you

re spiritual life, not about measuring yourself against a standard and finding yourself not measuring up

because this is down to God’s love and nothing that we do, changes everything

my relationship with God is the force of love that heals all the bruised and broken parts of my life

prayer as the safest. most nurturing activity I do

taking everything to Him not just the heavy battle wounds like I used to

“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”

the importance of our soul and what is going on under the externals that others see – exhaustion, isolation, emptiness

beware thinking that damage to souls is simply collateral damage price for getting our lives done

realise the compromises we have made

beware auto-pilot

think about peace, rest, grace as water in the desert, see the 1st shoots springing up

our souls are of fundamental importance – they are ours like our bodies to take care of

our bodies and souls need more tenderness and attentiveness than I imagined

our souls are what allow us to connect with God, other people, nature, art

with no soul you cannot love, weep, feel, make great art

a soul is profoundly necessary for a human

without a soul, you may have lots of things but cannot truly experience them

what kills a soul:-

1. exhaustion
2. secret keeping
3. image management

what brings a soul back from death:-

1. honesty
2. connection
3. grace

go back in your past to rediscover where you lost your soul 

Chapter 6.7: Bring In The Love

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
[ Matthew 11:28−30, The Message ]

severely cold in Chicago … craved and made some tomatoes and garlic and oil

task for the day is to get you some final words for this book – 3.5 years in the making

it is better in a place of love

the journey through the book has brought meaningful transformation in every single part of my life:-

1. prayer life
2. marriage
3. family life
4. friendships
5. enjoy my work more
6. feel a deep well of gratitude
7. clean/grateful desire to live a life of meaning
8. have the energy to live well
9. dedicate myself to the things that matter to me and that God has called me to
10. security to truly rest, to truly enjoy this extraordinary world and all its offerings: books, art, meals, people, conversations, cities, beaches, night skies

I feel a sense of patience where I used to feel slight anxiety about the beauty of it – will I see it all? what if I miss something?

anxiety replaced by a new patience, a new settledness, a new desire to be exactly where I am now

so foreign … so lovely

a miracle! thankful for that miracle every single day

don’t know what would have happened if the old me had continued down that road

lunch with 2 rabbis (married, husband and wife) – told them of my changes, they asked my husband how it was for him – yes doing more, got my wife back, it was/is worth it

this is why this journey matters

best parts of my life are now the internal ones and with my family – this is as it should always have been

not a family of conventional traditions – we have 2 though – Christmas and New Year on the beach including 10 greatest blessings of the year

1 of my sons mentioned the change in me on his list and how connected he felt with the other members of his close family

I did this just in time

my life is slower, simpler, smaller

days are less complicated

sleep better

wake with a heart of deep gratefulness

appreciate less flashy things

make space for love, listen for it, go deep in your soul for it, where God has made his home

find it in the faces of the people around your table

find it in prayer when connected with the presence of the Resurrected Jesus

find love in everything, everywhere

love is not found in numbers, cannot be calculated

it has been there all along, like a whisper, the very Spirit of God Himself

this is a continual battle, when you find it beware losing it again

come back to the silence

keep showing up and being present … you will find your way home even if windy with lots of stops and starts

[ Simon – reminded of this song ]

 

The Journey (Mary Oliver)

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug at your ankles.

“Mend my life!” each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.