Why am I reading this book?

At the end of 2017 for the first time I compiled a reading plan for 2018. I described that process and the reasons for each book on that list in this blog post. I was doing well on that plan to the end of July. I did start my September book but Liz Ryan’s Reinvention Roadmap book became all-consuming and I am still reading that book and doing all the exercises.

I first heard of Brene on the Catalyst Podcast many years ago and it was high time for me to read one of her books,

As per the post above, I am reading Braving the Wilderness “to explore what it means to belong and to be a member of a community”.

I am trying harder to apply what I read so I will be posting notes here and giving my thoughts on each chapter as well as responding to Brene’s worksheets to apply the book in my home life and my work life. I encourage others to do the same.

About the Book

True belonging does not require us to change who we are.

It requires us to be who we are.

Chapter 1: Everywhere and nowhere

when writing, often overcome with fear especially when research challenges conventional wisdom

who am I to say this? or I am really going to piss people off if I call their ideas into question

in these times I look for inspiration from brave innovators / disrupters whose courage feels contagious – I devour their content so they can cheer me on

changed from when first writing when my inner voice ran riot

decided I had to fire the naysayers & fear-mongers

and replace them with men/women who have shaped the world with their courage & creativity

e.g. JK Rowling – do not just describe the new world tell us stories

& Ed Catmull, Shonda Rhimes & Ken Burns, musicians & artists, Oprah

“take us with you into the story”

“Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way” (Oprah)

oldest/most steadfast counsellor is Maya Angelou but one quote I deeply disagreed with …

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

over 20 years thought this was wrong – that belonging was essential, to someone, to somewhere

reasons I was angry:-

she meant so much to me that I could not stand thought she was wrong on something so fundamental
the need to fit in and ache of not belonging was one of most painful threads in my own life

examples from Brene’s early life of not belonging

“I was alone, it felt devastating” … “I didn’t belong to my family either”

as a family since we have learned about courage, vulnerability and true belonging together

not belonging in our family is one of the most dangerous hurts – 3 outcomes:-

you live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing and/or inflicting it on others
you deny your pain and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you and down to your children … or
you find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way

I never tried out for a single thing again. Instead I got really good at fitting in by doing whatever it took to feel like I was wanted and a part of something

I started choosing data and research over vulnerability to understand root causes of my parents fighting

I was a seeker of pattern and connection – led to my career

I learned how to say the right thing or show up in the right way

met husband, he saw me

never underestimate the power of being seen

I did not even belong at AA

I started to talk about my fears and my hurt. I started questioning what was important to me and why

Invited to be on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday

night before .. I’m doing that thing I do when I’m afraid. I’m floating above my life, watching it and studying it, rather than living it

Manager told me Don’t study this moment. Be in it

permission slip: permission to be excited and goofy and to have fun

the 1st of hundreds of slips

the power of this intention-setting method – it totally works

these were actually an attempt to belong to myself and to no one else

amazing time with Oprah and asked back for another hour

… she said Maya Angelou is here, want to meet her …

she said to me .. You’re doing important work. Keep doing it. Keep talking about your work. Don’t stop and don’t let anyone get in your way. … Do not be moved ..

It was as if she bundled up all the courage I would ever need in my entire life and handed it to me

clothes story at a leadership conference, fellow speaker said Awesome, you’re brave

Not really but I can’t go on stage and talk about authenticity and courage when I do not feel authentic or brave, I physically can’t do it

another example of a conference when told not to talk about my faith

and another about being told not to curse

stories of pain and courage almost always include 2 things – praying and cussing and often at the same time

Told husband everywhere I go now, I’m an outsider breaking the rules and talking about things that no one else is talking about … I’ve lived my entire life on the outside .. I don’t feel I’m on a path that I understand – I can’t find anyone else on it. There’s no one ahead of me saying it’s OK.

Husband said You will always belong anywhere you show up as yourself and talk about yourself and your work in a real way.

started developing A Theory of True Belonging

Exercise: My response to this chapter

I had another spooky experience of my worlds colliding. I summarised this in this tweet:

3 of my current learning worlds collide - Liz Ryan (@humanworkplace)'s find your path from Reinvention Roadmap, @johnstepper's intentions (month 2 of the pilot #WOLsc #WOL circles) and @BreneBrown's Braving the Wilderness chapter 1 "Everywhere and Nowhere"

The following 2 extracts from the chapter led me to that conclusion:

I love it when my worlds collide. This was no exception. I am enjoying travelling down these strands of learning on one overall journey. Encouraged that there is no one else on my specific path and I need to travel it regardless and there may be no one else who fully understands that path as each of us are travelling on our own path. Love it when I find some fellow travellers to journey with on our separate paths.

Powerful story telling of how Brene met Maya and how encouraged Brene was as a result.

Interesting what comes to my mind as I read things. One of my darkest moments learning online over the past 6 years led to a conversation with a helpful expert who listened to my “issues” and encouraged me greatly “to go again” which I duly did. That conversation did keep me going and I am continuing on the journey. One of the key messages from that chat was that I am not responsible for other people’s learning.

I continue to explore via the Liz Ryan book what my path is and where I will go next …

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

1.1: “We all experience moments that, when left unspoken and unresolved, send us searching desperately for belonging and settling for fitting in.”

When we think about our families, are we creating a culture where everyone feels safe enough to reality-check the stories we make up when we’re in struggle?

Simon: It is fair to say that the family unit that I am a part of is a truth-telling community so any false stories that any of us tell are soon seen through and called out. Each of us can be our true selves as we live in community together. We encourage each of us to be our true selves who God made us to be whilst some of our idiosyncracies we do get made fun of about, usually me!

1.2: Are we intentionally learning about courage, vulnerability, and true belonging together?

Simon: We are close as a family and these characteristics are becoming more important and challenging as our 3 kids get older and make choices about schools, subjects, universities and careers after university.

1.3: Not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. It has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth. Are we talking to one another about what it means to build a belonging family verses a “fitting-in” family?

Simon: As a family, we each look out for each other and support each other when one of us goes through trying times for whatever reason. As each of us are Christians, we encourage one another to be and do all that God wants us to be and do.

1.4: Are there permission slips that we can encourage each other to write and can we support each other in showing up in more courageous ways?

Simon: Whenever possible we are all encouraged to do new things and to take reactive and proactive opportunities as they arise. Each of our 3 kids have done amazing things in their lives so far and are comfortable in their own skin.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

1.1: “I search for inspiration from the brave innovators and disrupters whose courage feels contagious… I summon up men and women who have shaped the world with their courage and creativity. And who have, at least on occasion, pissed people off. They are a varied bunch.”

Whether you know them or not, who are the creative and courageous people who inspire you?

What about their approaches and ideas resonates with you?

Gerard Kelly – a Christian leader living in France heading up a mission organisation. The first person I saw in a Christian setting to use film clips, music and slides in his talks. As a direct result of his example, I started a film club at church that has been going for 14 years now – we watch a film then discuss it. He is fearless in his approach. I remember him playing this Kanye West song in one of his Bible Study talks in front of hundreds of people. He is also a poet and that has further encouraged me to use poetry in my presentations at church and song lyrics in all sorts of contexts. This is my favourite poem of his.

John McEnroe – a fave sports personality. I grew up watching him at Wimbledon. Inspirational, passionate, articulate. The diversity of what he is into amazes me. A great sports presenter, summarised and pundit.

Bono/U2 – followed their career and loved their music since the first album. A person and a band who have used their reputation and status to promote political causes close to their heart. Love them doing their core thing amazingly well and then doing all their other stuff when they do not need to. Impressed by their longevity (40+ years!), creativity and teamwork.

Michael Heseltine – a former UK Government minister and one of the few senior politicians who resigned on a point of principle. A successful businessman who wanted to go into politics to make a difference. Lots of his life story I only recently found out about via this radio programme. A person whose views i invariably agree with. Impressed by his leadership, incisiveness and desire to make the country a better place.

Rob Bell – a former church leader in the States. Someone whose talks and podcasts I have listened to for years. His Christian spirituality and inclusiveness I agree with. I love his heart and passion. His recent podcasts talk about a range of subjects wider than faith that encourage me greatly including how Americans can reclaim their politics. Love his joy and zest for living.

Danielle Strickland – a Canadian Salvation Army officer who never fails to kick me out of my comfortable life complacency. Love her attitude and stories that inspire me and she is a U2 fan! Love her views on speaking and women in leadership (podcast, clip starts 42:30).

So many people I could list ….

1.2: Think of a time when you felt brave at work. What did you do? How did others respond? What did you learn from the experience?

Simon: I do not think of myself as brave. What I do generally is that as a project manager I am always on a mission to get the projects I am managing to deliver their stated objectives. I have recently acquired language to explain some of this via Jocko Willink and his podcast. I am good at detaching myself and state what the position is regardless of the impact on me and others. I can be objective about myself, possibly too objective. I have a desire to be even stronger in this and get better at not avoiding conflict.

1.3: In terms of how you show up at work, what permission slip(s) do you want to give yourself that will help you set your desired intention and follow through? Are there permission slips that you and your colleagues can write to encourage and support each other to show up in new ways?

Simon: To speak out more when things are said and happen that are not helpful to me and the wider team(s) to deal with whatever the root causes are. To be my full self more often. To enjoy myself at work more. To be more resilient. To be less fearful the whole time.

Chapter 2: The quest for true belonging

True Belonging

feels like something we all crave and need in our lives

we want to be part of something but we need it to be real – not conditional, fake, up for negotiation

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging” only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
(from The Gifts of Imperfection)

“Being ourselves means sometimes having to find the courage to stand alone, totally alone. Even as I wrote this, I still thought of belonging as requiring something external to us—something we secured by, yes, showing up in a real way, but needing an experience that always involved others. So as I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it’s not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it’s something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours.

“Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone—to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism.”

we seem to have forgotten that even when we are utterly alone, we are connected to one another by something greater than group membership, politics and ideology … we are connected by love and the human spirit

Defining True Belonging

re belonging, what are we trying to achieve? what are we worried about?

we want to be part of something – but not at cost of our authenticity, freedom and power

we feel surrounded by us and them cultures creating feelings of spiritual disconnection (a diminishing sense of shared humanity)

concerns: the only thing that binds us together is shared fear/ disdain, not common humanity, shared trust, respect or love

more afraid to debate/ disagree with friends, colleagues, family because of lack of civility & tolerance

more aware of pressure to fit in and conform

connection to a larger humanity gives people more freedom to express their individuality without fear of jeopardising belonging

“Spirituality is recognising and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.”
(from The Gifts of Imperfection)

“true belonging” is the main concern

no question from the research that a large part of the struggle for people seeking true belonging is spiritual

not religious but a wide-open, hard-scrabble, effort to stay connected to what binds us as humans living in increasingly divisive/ cynical world

research questions:-

What is the process, practice, or approach that the women and men who have developed a sense of true belonging have in common?
What does it take to get to the place in our life where we belong nowhere and everywhere – where belonging is in our heart and not a reward for “perfecting, pleasing, proving, and pretending” or something that others can hold hostage or take away?
If we’re willing to brave the wilderness - to stand alone in our integrity - do we still need that sense of belonging that comes from community?
Does the current culture of increasing divisiveness affect our quest for true belonging? If so, how?

resulted in 4 elements of true belonging, each is a daily practice and feels like a paradox:-

People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
Hold Hands. With Strangers.
Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

The Wilderness

1st image that came to me is wilderness – creatives have always used it as metaphor for everything from difficult trials to refuge of nature/ beauty to seek space for contemplation – solitude, vulnerability, emotional, spiritual or physical quest

belonging so fully to yourself that you are willing to be alone is a wilderness – the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand

not just about braving but also about becoming the wilderness – breaking down the walls, our ideological bunkers & living from our wild heart not our weary hurt

we all have to find our own way deep into the wild

means:-

intentionally being with people unlike us
sign up, join, take a seat at the table
learning how to listen
how to have hard convos
look for joy
share pain
be more curious than defensive
seeking moments of togetherness

true belonging is not passive but a practice that requires us to:-

be vulnerable
get uncomfortable
learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are

Braving Skills

to brave the wilderness and become the wilderness we must learn how to trust ourselves and trust others

definition of trust best fitting the research:

“choosing to risk, making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions”

and distrust

deciding “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”
(Charles Feltman; The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work)
https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=s3n-LlLkGIcC&pg=PA8&lpg=PA8&dq=%22what+is+important+to+me+is+not+safe+with+this+person+in+this+situation+(or+any+situation)%22&source=bl&ots=Kk1IEBmbxi&sig=6j6sW4t9k_ME8aYT0c_fFmo_QiY&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiNw_LVvMneAhVsKMAKHd_vCdwQ6AEwAHoECAgQAQ#v=onepage&q&f=false

when we say “trust” what do we mean?

Trusting Others

7 elements of “trust” when it comes to trusting others and ourselves – BRAVING:-

Boundaries

you respect my boundaries
when you’re not clear what is OK, you ask
you are willing to say no

Reliability

you do what you say you will do
being aware of your competencies and limitations so you do not over-promise and under-deliver
balance competing priorities

Accountability

you own your mistakes, apologise, make amends

Vault

you do not share info that is not yours to share
I need to know my confidences are kept
and that you keep other people’s confidences

Integrity

you choose courage over comfort
you choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy
you practice your values rather than simply professing them

Non-Judgement

I can ask for what I need as can you
we can talk about how we feel without judgement

Generosity

you extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others

Self-Trust

nothing more important in the wilderness

fear leads us astray

arrogance even more dangerous

revisit the BRAVING list and ask if you were all those things …

The Quest and the Paradox

I am an experienced map maker but I can be as much a lost traveller as anyone else

we must find our own way

each person’s path is different

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
(Joseph Campbell; )

definition: “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

on this quest will need to learn how to handle many paradoxes including the importance of being with others and being alone

true belonging is not something you negotiate externally but something you carry in your heart

it is finding sacredness in being part of something and in braving the wilderness alone

makes sense to me that we’re called to combat the spiritual crisis of disconnection with one of our most valued spiritual possessions

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

2.1: “Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness – an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breath-taking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.” Are we rewarding authenticity in our families? Or are our own fears and pain about not belonging driving us to teach our kids to “fit in?”

Simon: As parents we live out our values and talk about them when needed. We are transparent with our kids. We have family discussions when there are “issues” in any of our lives. We try to discuss things rationally to understand why one of us have taken a particular stand inside and outside the family. We also have heated arguments usually about things that are core to us. In terms of rewards, as parents, we do praise our kids when they have taken a stand themselves and explain why and how they have done that.

2.2: Are we modelling belonging to and believing in ourselves? Are our children seeing us take unpopular stands and are we talking honestly about how hard and scary that can be?
Much of this is covered by the previous response. I need to believe in myself more. Some of my insecurities the kids are aware of and tell me what they think about those! As parents both of us are in leadership roles and often talk about the challenges we are facing and what we are doing about those.

2.3: BRAVING (the seven elements of trust) is a powerful wilderness checklist because it allows us to talk about trust in a specific, behavioural way, and it reminds us that trusting ourselves and other people is a vulnerable and courageous process. Are we using this or some other shared language to talk about trust? Is our family putting high value on self-trust as a prerequisite for courageous behaviour?

Simon: We are doing some of this. We do think the best of each other. We are not ones for gossip and we call it out when one of us does. We seek the truth in all situations. The kids are good at detecting reliability and lack of authenticity. We have brought up our kids with a Christian worldview and they own that for themselves and live out that worldview.

2.4: Carl Jung argued that a paradox is one of our most valued spiritual possessions and a great witness to the truth. Are we normalizing the difficulty and importance of holding and thinking through competing thoughts when it becomes stressful? Are we teaching critical thinking versus linear, take-a-side thinking?

Simon: All of us in the family are aware that life is complex and issues in life are similarly complex and that there are often no black and white answers. The kids’ education and the subjects they are studying are helping them discuss different sides of a discussion/issue. When making decisions, all relevant considerations are brought to the table before we make decisions either collectively or individually.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

2.1: “The special courage it takes to experience true belonging is not just about braving the wilderness… We’re going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us… We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.”
What opportunities do you have at work to be with and listen to people whose experiences and opinions are very different than yours?

Simon: There are 45 of us at work and remote. There is some diversity in ages, gender and ethnicity. There is diversity too in skillsets, personalities, ways of working e.g. sales team, accounts team, support desk, engineers, developers and project managers. Mainly interactions are directly work-related and on getting the work done. We also have a diverse range of clients across the UK and in many diverse business sectors including policing, criminal justice, victim support, national infrastructure etc as well as commercial, government and charity organisations. I am also involved in church leadership and we have a diverse range of leaders on that team and lead a church with a wide range of people, backgrounds, work etc.

2.2: What does your team do, what do you do, to make it safe for people to share their opinions and/or disagree? What other steps would you like to take to make it safer?

For me and for things that I lead/manage, I am always keen to get the best answer to the issue at hand and the floor is open for all suggestions regardless of the source. Ideally, others would work in a more inclusive way and communicate better using the tools we have and the opportunity we have of most of us working in the same building. Encouraging contributions from all and expressing gratitude often also goes a long way.

2.3: “True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.”
Does your company or team reward authenticity or reward “fitting in”? If it feels more like a “fitting in” culture, is there something you want to do to help create a culture of true belonging?

Simon: The culture “encourages” us to be ourselves within the context of getting the job done so in a sense fitting in does not come into it. This may even be as far as saying it is laissez faire. Not aware of rewards coming into it either – either way – the job simply needs doing. I do strive to ask questions to move the game on even when it is awkward to do so but could do more to be “me” and to help make us more effective/efficient.

2.4: Do you see people in your company modelling belonging to and believing in themselves? What does it look like when people have the courage to speak up and take unpopular stands?

Simon: People have no fear in contributing. I should believe in myself more and speak out more for my way of working and not simply kowtow to others’ approaches.

2.5: BRAVING (the seven elements of trust) is a powerful wilderness checklist because it allows us to talk about trust in a specific, behavioural way, and it reminds us that trusting ourselves and other people is a vulnerable and courageous process.
Do you use BRAVING or some other shared language at work to talk about trust?

Most of my conversations at work are primarily about getting specific projects delivered and specific support issues in live systems. I rarely these days initiate conversations about suggesting changes in how the work gets done and how we operate collectively. I am rarely involved in conversations around these issues so I do not know if these take place in other parts of the organisation.

2.6: How does self-trust show up for you as a prerequisite for courageous behaviour at work?

Making me think that I need more self-trust to be more courageous. I also need to be more optimistic that change in some cases is actually possible rather than simply assuming it will be hard work and therefore not worth even trying to be courageous.

Chapter 3: High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis

My notes from the chapter

“high lonesome” is a sound or type of music in bluegrass tradition

Brene finds it arresting and hard and full of pain

examples:

art has the power to:-

render sorrow beautiful
make loneliness a shared experience
transform despair into hope

the magic of all art: the ability to both capture our pain & deliver us from it at the same time

the power is in the sharing

the world feels high lonesome & heartbroken to me right now

factions based on our politics and ideology

we have turned away from one another & toward blame and rage

we are lonely & untethered

and scared

instead of coming together we are shouting at each other from further and further away

rather than dancing and praying together we are running away from each other

rather than pitching wild & innovative new ideas that could potentially change everything, we’re staying quiet and small in our bunkers & loud in our echo chambers

from my research I conclude our world is in a collective spiritual crisis

definition (from “The Gifts of Imperfection”:

Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.

currently we are neither recognising nor celebrating our inextricable connection

we are divided from others in almost every area of our lives

we are not showing up with one another in a way that acknowledges our connection

cynicism / distrust have a stranglehold on our hearts

rather than continuing to move toward a vision of shared power among people, we are witnessing a backslide to a vision of power that is the autocrat’s power over people

addressing this crisis will require a tremendous amount of courage

at the moment, most of us are protecting ourselves from conflict, discomfort & vulnerability by staying quiet or picking sides and in the process slowly / paradoxically adopting the behaviour of the people we are fighting

this is leaving us disconnected, afraid & lonely

we will now look at the reasons behind the crisis:-

the birth of factions

people choosing groups that make them feel the most comfortable
losing the power of a variety of opinions via homogenous groups
growing intolerance of political differences
consensus has become impossible
elections now choices between ways of life
all the above from Bill Bishop’s “The Big Sort”
this sorting leads us to make assumptions about the people around us which then fuels disconnection
we are sorting ourselves and others are sorting us
at best this is unintentional and reflexive
at worst this is stereotyping that dehumanises
Trump victory in 2016 led to more divisiveness
reminded Brene of Veronica Roth’s Divergent (people chose factions based on personalities)
“faction before blood. more than family. our factions are where we belong.”
walking away from people we know and love because of our support for strangers we really do not know, can barely believe and definitely do not love .. that is shadow side of sorting
at the same time sorting is on the rise, so is loneliness
separating from people we do not agree with has not delivered that deep sense of belonging that we all crave

understanding what it means to be lonely – on the outside looking in

“perceived social isolation”
experience loneliness when we feel disconnected
absence of meaningful social interaction

an intimate relationship
friendships
family gatherings
community connections
workgroup connections

loneliness and being alone are very different things

being alone or inhabiting solitude can be a powerful & healing thing
“the lonely feeling”

experienced in places that do not feel alive with connection

Cacioppo’s work: as members of a social species, we do not derive strength from our rugged individualism but rather from our collective ability to plan, communicate and work together
loneliness tells us we need social connection
loneliness in past was equated with:-

shyness
depression
being a loner
being anti-social
possessing bad social skills

not just a sad condition but a dangerous one

we want to connect but our brain kicks in for self-preservation
unchecked loneliness fuels continued loneliness by keeping us afraid to reach out

to combat loneliness, first learn to identify it and have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign

our response should be to find connection
it is the quality of a few relationships that actually matters

research about increased odd of dying ..

air pollution – 5%
obesity – 20%
drinking – 30%
loneliness – 45%

fear is how we got here

sorting starts via fear of:-

vulnerability
getting hurt
pain of disconnection
criticism
failure
conflict
not measuring up

terrorism is time-released fear
is most effective when we allow fear to take root in our culture
if fear is not dealt with we are in trouble
lots of causes of fear these days
in US: race, gender and class
there are vulnerable/ tough convos that need to happen: this is discomfort that must be felt
most of us can build connection across difference & fight for our beliefs if we are willing to listen in and lean in to vulnerability
just needs critical mass to change everything

in the rest of the book, we will look at how we can reclaim human connection and true belonging in midst of sorting & withdrawal

if we do not find our way back to each other, fear wins

it will need vulnerability and willingness to choose courage over comfort

we will have to get through or even better learn how to become the wilderness

high lonesome: own our pain and share it instead of inflicting pain on others

if we can find a way to feel hurt not spread hurt we can change

find the courage to show up for each other

“I would come to you
I would swim the seas
for to ease your pain”
[Townes Van Sandt; “If I Needed You”]

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

3.1: “The world feels high lonesome and heartbroken to me right now. We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away from one another and toward blame and rage. We’re lonely and untethered. And scared. So damn scared.”
Are we teaching and modelling sorting and closed-mindedness? Or, is our family culture built on clearly knowing our own values while staying curious and open to the opinions of others?

Simon: We have a wide variety of friends and family with wildly different backgrounds, education, jobs, ages etc. We seek to love everyone and my wife and I model that. The kids often model that better than I/ we do. We have a Christian worldview and our faith shapes all of us in our family but we do not all have the same exact beliefs on everything. For those in the family that can vote, our political persuasion is not the same. Our home is an open house with lots of visitors passing through for parties, meals etc and the kids have friends to stay over. The kids seem to have forgiving relationships.

3.2: When hard things happen to us, our community, or in the world, is our family culture based on criticism or contribution? Are we modelling cynicism or hopefulness?

Simon: We try to be always hopeful. We talk about everything. There are no off-limits subjects. It is interesting hearing how the kids’ world view manifests itself in their conversations with us and others. We do seek to be peace makers in situations where that is needed from us reactively and proactively. We do try to come to the table with solutions. As parents, we have always included the kids in all the things we do including attending funerals even when the kids were very young.

3.3: Are we teaching our children the power of inextricable human connection – the belief that we are all connected to each other by something greater than us and something rooted in love and compassion?

Simon: Not sure whether the kids have just done this themselves or have seen our example in how we are members of various “communities” in real life. The kids have deep relationships in their friendship groups including small cell groups as well as larger groups for Christian events. These connections are IRL and virtual. These also include studying with friends so covers work and play.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

3.1: “Right now, we are neither recognizing nor celebrating our inextricable connection. We are divided from others in almost every area of our lives. We’re not showing up with one another in a way that acknowledges our connection.”
Does your company or team celebrate connection with each other? Is everyone included and welcomed?

Simon: Rare for the whole organisation to gather together as one unit. This is a shame as this is perfectly possible given our numbers and where we work. We are missing a trick by not doing this. Also seemingly rare for teams to meet together on a regular or indeed any basis. I am not personally in a team as such. Only I do what I do in the organisation. I miss the peer conversations but do engineer such convos with various people for some of the things that I do. There seem to be minimal planned things to help us work collectively as a team. This happens better in project teams when working with clients to implement projects for them. We are inclusive and anyone does talk to anyone. I believe our connections could be better socially and when we are working together. But we still deliver!

3.2: “The sorting we do to ourselves and to one another is, at best, unintentional and reflexive. At worst, it is stereotyping that dehumanizes.”
In your company, is sorting and closed-mindedness the norm? Or, is the culture built on being curious and open to the opinions of others?

Simon: I am not aware that closed-mindedness is the norm. Some have their own ways of working/thinking which they force on others. I believe we could be more effective if we understood each other better. I am interested to see how the increased number of new starters over the past few months changes the culture and dynamics of how we work together. There are numbers of people who I know hardly at all via not working with them yet on specific pieces of work. There are others that I know our working relationships could be considerably better.

3.3: “In the case of the United States, our three greatest fault lines – cracks that have grown and deepened due to willful neglect and a collective lack of courage – are race, gender, and class.”
Does your workplace take conscious actions to be inclusive of everyone?

Simon: The people who work in the organisation come from a range of diverse backgrounds. My perception is that the best people for the role in question get appointed with no quotas etc. We have a good male/female split but is still male-dominated. 2 of the 5 directors are female.

3.4: What would it look like to have respectful, safe conversations at work about race, gender, and class?

Simon: The issue for me is that we need to have those kinds of conversations about how we work together as a higher priority than these conversations. I am not aware of there being any issues in these 3 areas but I suppose there could be if we got to know each other at a deeper level! We are an IT services organisation delivering professional services so we all “fit” into that kind of generic professional culture.

Chapter 4: People are hard to hate close up. Move in

we see a whole lot of hatred in our world – news, politics & social media

in our own lives we feel love and we know pain, we feel hope and we know struggle, we see beauty and survive trauma

the men/women I interviewed who had strongest sense of true belonging stayed zoomed in rather than zoomed out

not ignoring world events, not stopping advocating their beliefs BUT committed to assessing their lives & forming their opinions of people based on actual in-person experiences

the trap that many fall into:
I can hate large groups of strangers because the members of those groups whom I know and like are the rare exceptions

3 examples from research participants:-

political rhetoric – Democrats are such losers but I was helped by one in major ways
political rhetoric – Republicans are selfish assholes but son-in-law is one and is an amazing husband to our daughter and dad to your grandchild
political rhetoric – Anti-abortion activists are hypocrites & closed-minded fundamentalists but my teacher at school is one and she had more integrity than anyone else you know, taught you to be activist too!

not easy to hate people close up

in pain/fear, anger/hate are our go-to emotions

easier to be pissed off than to be hurt/scared

“find and replace” in Word for words/actions of hate and pain

not caring about our own pain and that of others is not working

pain will subside only when we acknowledge it and care for it – addressing it with love and compassion head-on – but that can be terrifying

when we deny our emotion it owns us

when we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain

when we deny ourselves the right to be angry we deny our pain

anger is a catalyst – holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick

anger is an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving

sometimes anger can mask more difficult emotions such as grief, regret or shame

anger is a life-sucking companion

There are always boundaries, even in the wilderness

when we commit to getting closer, we are committing to experiencing real, face-to-face conflict

maintaining the courage to stand alone feels like an untamed wilderness

BUT remember Maya Angelou quote: “the price is high, the reward is great”

the cleared and more respected the boundaries, the higher the level of empathy and compassion for others

line is drawn at physical safety

also drawn at emotional safety – dehumanising language/ behaviour, demonising the enemy, frames the conflict as good vs evil

we are all vulnerable to the slow and insidious practice of dehumanising & therefore all responsible for recognising it and stopping it

The courage to embrace our humanity

rehumanising with words and images

primary platforms for our dehumanising behaviour is social media

we must never tolerate dehumanisation – used in every recorded genocide in history

dehumanising others diminishes our own humanity

Conflict transformation

moving closer means need tools for navigating conflict

beware avoiding conflict, avoiding certain conversations, may lead to never fully learning how the other person feels about the issues, we may make assumptions that perpetuate and deepen misunderstandings & generate resentment

these results can be worse than actually having the convo

key is learn how to navigate conflicts or differences of opinion in a way that deepens mutual understanding

what is the convo about and what is it really about

understand intentions

focusing on what happened and did not happen in past or what past events led to now, usually creates tension and decreases connection

critical 1st step is shift focus to where are we now

then most important turning point comes when we focus on future – what do we want our relationship to be and how do we get there

use conflict transformation as label not conflict resolution – the opportunity to create something new, creating deeper understanding, requires perspective-taking, enables greater connection

listen with desire to learn more about the other person’s perspective – “tell me more” !!

story of Viola Davis (actor) – her simple rules:-

I am doing the best I can
I will allow myself to be seen
Go further, do not be afraid, pit it all out there, do not leave anything on the floor
I will not be a mystery to those nearest to me – they will know me, I will share my stories with them – of failure, shame & accomplishment

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

4.1: Is our family committed to assessing our lives and forming our opinions of people based on our actual, in-person experiences? Or do we fall into the trap of hating large groups of strangers, because the members of those groups who we happen to know and like are the rare exceptions?

Simon: We try not to be lazy in this and seek to understand the motives and reasons why people behave etc the way they do. We challenge each other to be our best selves. We try not to judge others because we know that by doing that we are judging ourselves. All of us are committed to truth and justice and always seek for that in all our actions.

4.2: It’s much easier to be angry than it is to be hurt or scared. It’s easier to inflict pain than feel it. Have we created a family culture where we talk about pain and practice being in it and working through it or is anger and shutting down modelled?

Simon: We try to face everything head-on and not avoid things. We share in each other’s pain when pain is being experienced. We are a truth-telling family. We try not to shutdown any emotions.

4.3: What are we practicing and/or modelling in our families when it comes to dehumanizing behaviours? Have we drawn a line that can’t be crossed when it comes to how we talk about people? Have we taught and modelled the importance of boundaries when it comes to how people talk about us and how we talk about others?

Simon: We live by the Christian worldview that we hate the sin but love the sinner as well as believing and knowing that each person is made in the image of God and therefore dehumanising words and behaviour are a sin that we need to repent of if we ever do dehumanise others. Clearly, we do not see each other all the time but we do share things with each other that we are experiencing. We are not perfect at this!

4.4: Are we having conversations in our family about “conflict transformation” skills?

Simon: I would say that we try to model these. I am a learner from my wife who is better at this than me! We try to take the long view and focus on what would be a good outcome in the situation and then seek to get there.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

4.1: “…we are all vulnerable to the slow and insidious practice of dehumanizing, therefore we are all responsible for recognizing it and stopping it.”
In your company, what is taught and modelled about the importance of boundaries when it comes to how people talk about each other? Do people “walk the talk” consistently?

Simon: In some organisational situations I have been in, the boundaries sometimes exist or do not exist for some people at all levels of an organisation where they can talk to people how they want to with no comeback. This may be due to the fact that they did not realise they were doing it and others not calling them out on it.

4.2: Dr. Michelle Buck uses the term “conflict transformation,” saying that it is about “creating deeper understanding” that requires “perspective-taking.”
How could your team use “conflict transformation?” What could emerge if you did?

Simon: This would be all about not avoiding the difficult conversations and actually calling it out and understanding why certain things are said in the way that they are said. In many instances, my perception is that others (and me) have just taken the view that some people will never change and would think why should I change. Again, better functioning teams could emerge with more productive working relationships.

4.3: In Brené’s interview with Viola Davis, she describes her true belonging practice – a few simple rules she lives by. These rules include practices like allowing herself to be seen, not being afraid, and “putting it all out there.”
What practices guide and support you in belonging to yourself? How do you apply them in your life and your work?

Simon: I am becoming increasingly comfortable in my own skin and how God has wired me. I am being more fearless about what I do outside of my comfort zone. Liz Ryan’s Reinvention Roadmap is helping me see the importance and power of that (with words such as “muscles” and “mojo”). The self-care Working Out Loud circle material is also helping me significantly in that I am now appreciating that I have not taken care of myself in a number of areas as I have concentrated on simply doing things. The work I am doing on my inner voice, gratitude and intentions is helpful and I am exploring these further. The content in this chapter on avoidance is helpful and this too I need to explore (and practice!).

Chapter 5: Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil

Harry Frankfurt (prof of philosophy, Princeton) quote: someone who lies & someone who tells the truth are playing on opposite sides of the same game – relationship to authority of the truth and its demands – bullshitter ignores those demands and is therefore a greater enemy of the truth than lies are

hard to combine the 2 things in the title

Bullshit

HF wrote small book “On Bullshit” re:-

nature of bullshit
how it is different from lying
why we are all compelled to bullshit on occasions

insights:-

difference between lying and bullshitting per opening quote

lying as defiance of the truth, bullshitting wholesale dismissal of the truth

advantageous to recognise how we often rely on bullshitting when we feel compelled to talk about things we do not understand

in a fitting-in culture curiosity is seen as weakness and asking questions equates to antagonism rather then being valued as learning

contemporary spread of bullshit has a deeper source

our being sceptical and denying that we can ever know the truth of how things really are
we give up the notion of objective inquiry

he argues that once we decide that it makes no sense to try to be true to the facts, we just resort to being true to ourselves

for me, this is the birthplace of 1 of great BS problems of our time – you are either with us or against us

If you’re not with me then you’re my enemy

emotional line that we hear from everyone

1 of most effective political sorters

95% of time it is emotional / passionate rendering of BS – well-intentioned or not

usually used in times of significant emotional stress

one of my “live- by” quotes is “we must always take sides” (Elie Wiesel)

neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim
silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented

are these really the only 2 options …

it turns an emotion-driven approach into weaponised belonging – always benefits the person throwing down the gauntlet

ability to think past either/or situations is foundation of critical thinking but still requires courage

does feel easier and safer to take a side

only true option is to challenge the framing of the debate – this is opting for the wilderness

we pay for our silence with our integrity - collectively, we pay with our integrity, and we bypass effective problem solving

answers that have the force of emotion behind them but are not based in fact rarely provide strategic / effective solutions to nuanced problems

fear, acute emotion and lack of knowledge provide the perfect setup for uncivil behaviour – the BS/incivility cycle can become endless

Civility

easier staying civil when combatting lying than when speaking truth to BS

BSers not interested in truth as a shared starting point

easy to mirror BS behaviour of others

Albert Brandolini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle:
”the amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it”

practices that increase effectiveness:-

approach bullshitting with generosity when possible

generosity, curiosity & empathy (eg her did you read/hear this?) can help us greatly

civility

“claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process …. [Civility} is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about difference, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and no-body’s is ignored.”
Brene’s story about her upbringing as hunter using guns and later convos about that and the NRA
mission of Brene’s companies “making the world a braver place by doing work we love with people we care about in a way that is aligned with our values” – Chief of Staff story when Brene was drowning in work – nurture workplaces where people still belong if they speak up – a safe place
“Incivility can fracture a team10, destroying collaboration, splintering members’ sense of psychological safety, and hampering team effectiveness. Belittling and demeaning comments, insults, and other rude behaviour can deflate confidence, sink trust, and erode helpfulness - even for those who aren’t the target of these behaviours.” (Christine Porath, mgt prof, Georgetown Uni)
she shows that implementing civility standards and enforcing them leads to higher-performing and better functioning teams
leading for true belonging is about creating a culture that celebrates uniqueness
my job as a leader is to identify their unique gift / contribution
a strong leader pulls players toward a deep belief in themselves
inclusive language is critically important, absolutely worth the effort and a function of civility
even tools of civility can become weaponised if intention is there
I want to know if I am saying something hurtful
I want to be kind and thoughtful with my words

Braving

go back to BRAVING and our trust checklist

Boundaries

what is OK in a discussion and what is not?
how set a boundary when deep in BS?

Reliability

BS-ing is the abandonment of reliability
hard to trust or be trusted when we BS too often

Accountability

how do we hold yourself and others accountable for less BS & more honest debate?
less offloading of emotion & more civility?

Vault

civility honours confidentiality
BS ignores truth & opens the door to violations of confidentiality

Integrity

how do we stay in our integrity when confronted with BS and how do we stop in midst of our own emotional moment to say

you know what, I am not sure this convo is productive
I need to learn more about this issue

Non-Judgement

what is most generous assumption we can make about those around us
what boundaries need to be in place for us to be kinder and more tolerant

the practice of speaking truth to BS while being civil feels like a paradox but both are profoundly important parts of true belonging

every day we fight against being labelled / diminished with stereotypes / characterisations that do not reflect our fullness

when we do not risk standing on our own & speaking out, when options laid before us force us into very categories we resist, we perpetuate our own disconnection & loneliness

when we are willing to risk venturing into the wilderness and even becoming our own wilderness, we feel the deepest connection to our true self

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

5.1: The proliferation of BS in our culture today is primarily driven by three factors:

People feeling compelled to know everything,
The growing dismissal of trust in objective inquiry, and
The overuse of false dichotomies during emotional arguments (you’re either with us or against us)

How are we approaching these issues in our families? Are we rewarding curiosity and the courage to say, “I don’t know” when we really don’t know?

Simon: Some of our arguments do take the form of win/lose when things get heated and/or emotional. We are all good at saying “I don’t know” when we do not and it is not a case of who knows most. We all have inquiring minds and we all have a strong basis for our opinions that are often expressed.

5.2: Are we holding ourselves and our children accountable for backing up their opinions with facts? Do we value researching topics that are important to us and understanding all sides?

Simon: As a Christian family, lots of our opinions are based on our Christian worldview and facts too. The kids are all in full-time education and so are being taught to express their views with facts and opinions in essays and the like often in “hostile” environments with a wide range of worldviews in the room. Us older ones too prefer to have facts to backup our opinions as we can be challenged by the kids. Again, research is a feature of the kids in their essay writing at school and university. My hope is that the experience of doing that will spill over into other aspects of our lives.

5.3: Are we modelling false dichotomies or critical thinking?

Simon: I often say there are two sides to every story but now I am being challenged by BTW that there may be more than 2 sides! We can all be quite confrontational and the black/white argument is often used to accelerate (or try to!) a discussion to a conclusion.

5.4: Cassandra Dahnke and Tomas Spath define civility as, “Claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. . . . [Civility] is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s is ignored.” Are we teaching and modelling civility?

Simon: My wife and I certainly try to. I would like to think that we were good role models for this BUT we could be more civil to each other at times in and amongst stressful times in our lives. We do not see the kids in all their life situations but are confident that they would hold their own and understand the other person and their point of view in discussions.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

5.1: “If leaders really want people to show up, speak out, take chances, and innovate, we have to create cultures where people feel safe – where their belonging is not threatened by speaking out and they are supported when they make the decision to brave the wilderness, stand alone, and speak truth to bullshit.”

Do people where you work take the risk to speak out when they disagree? What supports people in finding the courage to do it? What gets in the way?

Simon: Yes, this has often been the case. But often there is am acceptance that the power that some managers have is such that to speak out totally and frankly would be counter-productive in the short term – although may be beneficial if things were acted on. People need role models of how to do this and seeing it done with a positive responses. Also, a safe space/environment is required so there is no fear of any repercussions. We all, presumably, want the same thing – doing work more effectively and efficiently in highly-performing teams.

5.2: Christine Porath’s research and other studies “…show how implementing civility standards and enforcing them leads to higher-performing and better-functioning teams.” She writes, “Incivility can fracture a team, destroying collaboration, splintering members’ sense of psychological safety, and hampering team effectiveness.”

When have you seen incivility disrupt team cohesion? When have you seen civility help a team be more effective?

Simon: Clear examples of people being talked over, decried, opinions not being sought etc have been commonplace begging the question why include people in the meetings/discussions. Managers setting the tone and scene and then asking more questions than being in send mode definitely help foster a safe space.

5.3: “Speaking truth to bullshit and practicing civility start with knowing ourselves and knowing the behaviours and issues that both push into our own BS or get in the way of being civil.”

Brené uses BRAVING and the trust checklist to help us think about how to be civil in tough situations.

What idea(s) do you want to incorporate into how you show up at work?

Simon: Having the courage to clearly identify the boundaries for BS and when to call it out. To be aware of when I get sucked into BS delivering or hearing and practice constructive ways of calling myself and others out to build deeper more constructive relationships. Seeking to be less assumption-ridden at the start of specific exchanges with people that colour my responses.

Chapter 6: Hold Hands With Strangers

key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection

this connection cannot be broken BUT our belief in the connection is constantly tested & repeatedly severed

when this breaks, we are more likely to:-

retreat to our bunkers
hate from afar
tolerate BS
dehumanise others
ironically, stay out of wilderness

our belief in inextricable connection is 1 of our most renewable sources of courage in the wilderness

when we do not believe in unbreakable connection, the isolation of wilderness is too daunting so we stay in our factions & echo chambers

navigating the demands of everyday life also challenges this

Cover it all in leather

Pema Chödrön’s “Lousy World” uses lessons of Indian Buddhist monk Shantideva to make a very powerful analogy about moving through the world constantly pissed off and disappointed = complainer to the max

lesson = show up for collective moments of joy and pain so we can actually bear witness to inextricable human connection

e.g. “Why I cried the first time I took my kids to see U2 in concert and why they both reached out and held my hand during my favourite songs. … Or why I’ve taught my kids that attending funerals is critically important, and when you’re there, you show up. You take part. Every song. Every prayer—even if it’s a language you don’t understand or a faith you don’t practice.”

You’ll never walk alone

cf Australian Liverpool fans singing You’ll Never Walk Alone:
the power of collective joy can transcend division

Callin’ Baton Rouge

the power of music to take us back to life moments

Wands up

Dumbledore being killed in Harry Potter: being in cinema with everyone with hands (with imaginary wands) in the air to kill the baddy – the power of the light

The people of FM 1960

story of the traffic stopping in Houston when Challenger exploded in flight

We choose love

going to school to be with kids in school in aftermath of Sandy Hook shootings:
”Not enough of us know how to sit in pain with others. Worse, our discomfort shows up in ways that can hurt people and reinforce their own isolation. I have started to believe that crying with strangers in person could save the world.”

Inextricable connection

these examples of collective joy and pain are sacred experiences

“We need these moments with strangers as reminders that despite how much we might dislike someone on Facebook or even in person, we are still inextricably connected.” can be with 000s of people or 1:1

we are wired for connection but it has to be real

A sensation of sacredness

collective effervescence (Emile Durkheim): an experience of connection, communal emotion and a sensation of sacredness that happens when we are a part of something bigger than us – during which our focus changes from self to group

cf collective assembly (Shira Gabriel, Jennifer Valenti, Kristin Naragon-Gainey, Aiana Young): these experiences contribute to a life filled with “a sense of meaning, increased positive affect, an increased sense of social connection and a decreased sense of loneliness – all essential components of a healthy, happy life”

and there is a lingering effect after the experience has ended

central role of music

A ministry of presence

presence in religious experiences

story of singing a hymn acapella in an overflow hall for a friend’s dad’s funeral

the power of funerals: death, loss and grief are the great equalisers

aunt’s funeral was a BBQ at her request

Sheryl Sandberg story of her kids wailing as they entered cemetery for funeral of her husband and singing Oseh Shalom unprompted, just came to mind, last line of Kaddish the Jewish prayer of mourning

Common enemy intimacy

beware connecting via gossiping

some of my friendships turned out to be talking about other people only = common enemy intimacy is counterfeit connection & opposite of true belonging

groups need to tolerate dissent and disagreement if they are to experience inextricable connection

not all of these moments are created equal – the reason for you being together is important – cannot be at expense of others or if it causes others pain

collective assembly meets primal human yearnings for shared social experiences

the role of social media: is like fire – either warms you or burns you up

face-to-face contact emerged in research as essential for true belonging

Getting social

SM helpful in cultivating connection only to extent they are used to create real community, where there is structure, purpose and meaning and some face-to-face contact

Susan Pinker; “The Village Effect: How Face-to-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier and Happier”: no sub for in-person interaction – bolsters our immune system, send positive hormones surging through our bloodstream & brain, help us live longer = building your village, a matter of life or death – social interaction makes us live healthier & longer lives

even small interactions help!

Facebook and my first true love

best mates when 5-6, lost touch for years later, reconnected via Facebook – FB was the catalyst, face-to-face was the connection

Courage and the collective

when teaching vulnerability, I use flashmobs for collective joy examples

watch who gets involved and who does not

joy and pain are vulnerable experiences to feel on our own and even more so with strangers

takes courage to open ourselves up to joy – probably the most vulnerable emotion we can experience – is why we think the worst at such times

only way to combat foreboding joy is gratitude

pain is also a vulnerable emotion

when we are suffering, many of us are better at causing pain than feeling it

so to seek out moments of collective joy or pain, we need to be brave which means we need to be vulnerable

no vulnerability, no courage – we have to show up and put ourselves out there

we do not always have to walk alone

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

6.1: “In the midst of this spiritual crisis, the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection. That connection – the spirit that flows between us and every other human in the world – is not something that can be broken; however, our belief in the connection is constantly tested and repeatedly severed. When our belief that there’s something greater than us, something rooted in love and compassion, breaks, we are more likely to retreat to our bunkers, to hate from afar, to tolerate bullshit, to dehumanize others, and, ironically, to stay out of the wilderness. It’s counterintuitive, but our belief in inextricable human connection is one of our most renewable sources of courage in the wilderness. I can stand up for what I believe is right when I know that regardless of the pushback and criticism, I’m connected to myself and others in a way that can’t be severed.”
How are we ensuring that our family has regular experiences of collective joy and pain?

Simon: My wife and I have taken the kids to lots of life event situations including eating out, weddings and funerals. I am particularly sensitive to this as I never went to a funeral until my late 30s. It was a big deal when I finally went to one. Before reading Brene’s book I was of the opinion that it was down to parents to decide about whether they took young children to funerals or not. The book has challenged my view. We do not shy away from involving our kids and us as a complete family in situations of joy and pain. We believe this will make them more rounded human beings. We are all emotional, in the best sense of that word, in our family and are sensitive to others.

6.2: In addition to experiencing those collective moments, are we explaining why they’re important and what they mean for us? How are we using these opportunities to explain the power of what is possible and true between humans?

Simon: We certainly explain to the kids why we do what we do and why this is important. Again, as a Christian family, we are all and individually and in 2s and 3s etc involved in a number of collective moments at church, in other contexts locally and in national event situations including moments that we lead including the kids on their own (they are in a music band with their school mates). We are all connected with a variety of people.

The ministry of presence is a skill set. It’s hard to sit with people in struggle. How are we teaching and modelling showing up in those moments?

Simon: The kids are aware that we are a well-functioning family and are aware that others around them are not so fortunate. One of their close friends stayed with us over Christmas who needed somewhere to stay for a week over the holiday period for foster care reasons. We specifically and deliberately had a lady from church around for the day over the Christmas holiday with the retired minister from our church and his wife. The lady recently lost her husband and we wanted to include her in our gatherings over the holiday period as her first Christmas without her husband. He was dearly loved by the whole family and missed terribly. I would not say that we are all great at this and some in the family are better at this than others but we all know that we need to do this for our Christian faith and human being reasons!

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

6.1: “…the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection. That connection – the spirit that flows between us and every other human in the world – is not something that can be broken; however, our belief in the connection is constantly tested and repeatedly severed.”
In what ways does your company or team share experiences of collective joy and pain? When you’re together, how do you talk about why the experiences are important and what they mean?

Simon: I am personally poor at celebrating successes and I know that I need to be better at doing that. For me, the reason is that I simply go on to the next thing without pausing to reflect on success. As a project manager I do get involved in running and inputting to lessons learned-type sessions but these are not the norm for everything we do. Interesting to define what “joy” and “pain” mean in a business context. This may be more straightforward for business-type joy and pain re winning contracts, losing contracts but these are rarely communicated in detail and consistently. There are times of human joy and pain re birth of children and losses of loved ones but these are more down to specific individuals to respond do which I have done where that is appropriate including where that means periods of absence of those colleagues.

6.2: Some of the ways that “common enemy intimacy” shows up at work are gossiping, talking behind someone’s back instead of going direct to her/him, and finger pointing or blaming another person or another team.
Is “common enemy intimacy” accepted behaviour where you work? Do you find yourself slipping into it?

Simon: It is hard not to slip into this but I am trying harder! Some of this relates to a team mentality of us believing accurately that we are doing the right professional thing where some on the client side hold a different view and we seek to get to a consensus for discussion with the client. Role clarity is sometimes an issue which does not help in this area. Some of us have a strong “owning the problem” service mentality which means that we cannot let things fail when that very thing might be the lesson that others (and I) need to understand what needs to happen. I am often very detached and seek always to get to the resolution of the problem at hand. Lessons learned and role definitions also come to mind again for addressing this.

6.3: “Social media are great for developing community, but for true belonging, real connection and real empathy require meeting real people in a real space in a real time.”
As the work world changes and more people work remotely, what practices help us stay connected in meaningful ways?

Simon: I find that virtual connections are deep and meaningful to me and I do lots of learning online e.g. often doing 12 week virtual Working Out Loud circles with complete strangers when we start but become close friends over the course of the 12 weeks. In 2 cases,I have met IRL people that I have circled with. One was an Australian lady who was in the UK on business and came to see me and my family in Bradford for an afternoon, the other was a guy from Sri Lanka who we connected with when on summer holiday this year. Virtual teams are an area of interest that I hope to be exploring shortly in depth. Euan Semple’s “Why Social Network Mess Can Benefit Your Business” Do lecture (https://goo.gl/o5SehU) is my go-to resource to challenge the naysayers of virtual connections. Also see his book “Organizations Don't Tweet, People Do: A Manager's Guide to the Social Web” (https://goo.gl/f5NZuK) and his TED talk “Changing the World One Conversation at a Time” (https://goo.gl/QzLe7H). I try to socialise appropriately in parallel with working during the day with people who work remotely which includes me when I work remotely. As Euan says in the “Real Friends” chapter of his book, often I have deeper relationships with people that I work remotely with than those working in the same office over the desk from me, or the same floor or on different floors. My interest in this subject is around how we train people to work in a more connected way with all of the people we work with in our own organisation and with customers and suppliers.

Chapter 7: Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

often our “strength” comes from fear, not love

instead of “strong back”, many of us have a defended front protecting a weak spine

i.e. we are brittle & defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence

if we strengthen our spine to be flexible & sturdy, we can risk having a front that is soft & open

this comes when we are truly transparent seeing the world clearly & letting the world see into us

phrase came from Joan Halifax (Buddhist teacher, Zen priest, anthropologist, activist, author) – with Brene at event when Joan said to her “tonight we will exhale & teach, now it is time to inhale" – cannot live by never inhaling

we need both courage & vulnerability as we head off into the wilderness

a wild heart fights fitting in and grieves betrayal

each time we do this the bar gets higher demanding more from us

Strong Back

when this is our challenge we are driven by what people think

perfecting, pleasing, proving & pretending get in way of strong back

one way to strengthen back is to put BRAVING into practice:-

Boundaries: learn to set, hold, respect them – let go of being liked & fear of disappointing people
Reliability: learn to say what we mean and mean what we say
Accountability: learn to step up, be accountable, take responsibility, issue meaningful apologies when things go wrong – let go of blame and stay out of shame
Vault: keep confidences, recognise what is ours to share and what is not - stop using gossip, common enemy intimacy & oversharing as a way to accelerate connection
Integrity: practice our values even when uncomfy & hard – choose courage over comfort in those moments
Non-Judgement: how to give & receive help – let go of “helper” and “fixer” as our identity & source of our self-worth
Generosity: set boundaries that allow us to be generous in our assumptions about others – be honest & clear with others about what is OK & not OK

get to place where we like ourselves & are concerned when we judge ourselves too harshly or allow others to silence us

the wilderness demands this level of self-love & self-respect

story of Jen Hatmaker, Christian leader who said positive things about LGBTQ rights in a Christian context and got heavily criticised by that community – the loneliest steps are the ones between the city walls and the heart of the wilderness, where safety is in the rear-view mirror, new territory remains to be seen, path to unknown seems empty – but you will find that the wilderness is where all the creatives, prophets, system-buckers, risk-takers have always lived & it is stunningly vibrant

cf story of Jacob in wilderness wrestling with God got limp that marked him for rest of his life, reminds him of the cost

A Soft Front

we have to maintain our strong back – not a one-time effort

hard to keep the soft front when so much hurt

vulnerability is birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage – everything that brings meaning to our life

when we let people take our vulnerability or fill us with their hate, we hand over our entire life to them

exercise the vulnerability muscle that allows us to soften & stay open rather than attack & defend

reasons for having armoured front:-

we are not comfy with emotions & we equate vulnerability with weakness
our experiences of trauma have taught us that vulnerability is dangerous

definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure

vulnerability is not weakness but our most accurate measure of courage

are we willing to show up and be seen when we cannot control the outcome? to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?

Wild Heart

no membership cards or initiation ritual

not something you can always see but is our greatest spiritual possession

the mark of a wild heart is living out paradox of love in our lives – the ability to be tough & tender, excited & scared, brave & afraid all in the same moment

it is showing up in our vulnerability & courage, being both fierce & kind

a wild heart can also straddle tension of staying awake to struggle in world & fighting for justice & peace while also cultivating its own moments of joy & peace

joy matters!

everyone needs to experience what brings meaning to life: love, belonging & joy

we cannot give people what we do not have, we cannot fight for what is not in our hearts

the key to joy is practicing gratitude

when we cannot acknowledge pain of others while experiencing our own joy, we close our eyes, insulate ourselves, pretend there is nothing we can do to make things better & opt out of helping others – the ability to opt out is the core of privilege

a reminder of definition of true belonging

the mark of a wild heart is earned in wilderness

daily practice is critical to our quest for true belonging – stop looking for confirmation that we do not belong or that we are not enough

true to for us as parents as we parent our kids

if I get to be me, I belong .. if I have to be like you, I fit in

as parents we need to help our children believe in and belong to themselves

our most important task is to protect that tender, wild heart

mark of a wild heart is the resilience that comes from the scrutiny of the wilderness and the stronger sense of when we are not being true to what we think is right

imagine an organisation where a critical mass of people are leading & innovating from a wild heart and not following suit, bunkering up and being safe

see the worksheets to apply this material & put it into practice

this is not a call to stop advocating, resisting or fighting, I will do all 3 and hope you will too!

BUT be civil and respectful

there will be times when standing alone feels too hard, scary and we doubt our ability to get through the uncertainty … someone will say do not do it, you do not have what it takes … remind yourself by digging deep into your wild heart and say “I AM the wilderness”

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

7.1: A strong back is courage and a soft front is vulnerability. How does our family value those experiences and emotions? How are we normalizing discomfort as a part of being brave?

Simon: We are very real as a family, We acknowledge pain. We do not sugar-coat it. We do not over or downplay situations but look for the truth of the situation and respond accordingly. We try not to avoid the tough issues of life when things happen. We do not seek pain out but we support each other through such times.

7.2: Is there a shared family belief that we can’t get to courage without vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure)?

Simon: As with lots of the input from the book, we have not used this language before for these situations but the language is helping me articulate and think through how we operate as a family. We are aware that life is a battleground and not a classroom discussing theory.

7.3: “A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish its own pain. A wild heart can beat with gratitude and lean into pure joy without denying the struggle in the world. We hold that tension with the spirit of the wilderness. It’s not always easy or comfortable – sometimes we struggle with the weight of the pull – but what makes it possible is a front made of love and a back built of courage.”

Are we teaching and modelling how to stay awake to the pain and to contribute to healing, and at the same time take good care of ourselves?

Simon: As a Christian family, the needs of the world are communicated to us at various Christian “events”. We do strive to hold these things in balance and there does need to be a balance. We prioritise our giving and our time to meet some needs but we are profoundly aware that we cannot meet every need that comes our way and we are good at not being guilt trip-ed when asked for money etc.

7.54 How are we teaching and modelling true belonging for our children?

Simon: We definitely work to have a wide variety of contacts and our church has a vast range of people with differing educational backgrounds and working situations and household composition. The kids are aware of the power of diversity whilst at the same time knowing that all of us will have more in common with some people than others. We try to avoid echo chambers by contributing alternative points of view in some discussions.

7.6: When our children wrestle with feeling on the outside with their peers and friends, how are we teaching them to believe in and belong to themselves? Above all else?

Simon: We always seek to help the kids see the truth and reality of the situation and not just the emotion of the situation. “Play nicely” comes to mind as does common decency when we help the kids work through situations where things are said online about them or they are not included in parties etc with some of their friends. We do expect them to have high standards and lead by example in these areas and not do the same.

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

7.1: A strong back is courage and a soft front is vulnerability.
How does your workplace value those experiences and emotions? How are you normalizing discomfort as a part of being brave?

Simon: Still finding it a challenge to answer these questions in a work context as I rarely think through work situations like this. We do need to know when someon does not know something especially in my line of work as it may mean that systems fail if someone “blags” about something. I do express my feelings about things occasionally but the book is challenging me to do this more and in more appropriate ways.

7.2: Pete Carroll says, “…there’s a special kind of resilience that comes from the level of scrutiny that happens in the wilderness. I know those experiences left me with a truer belief in myself and a much stronger sense of when I’m not being true to what I think is right.”
When have you been tested? When have you had to stand alone in the wilderness? What helped you stay true to what you thought was right?

Simon: Mainly these situations are in discussions about approaches to specific pieces of work. There can be heated discussions when there are different approaches. Many of these are not in my area of expertise – coding – so I simply come to the table with the process perspective. I do try to bring the voice of the customer e.g how do we communicate progress to be able to say that the project is on-track. I sense that my wilderness activities need to be and seen to be more professional and objective and communicated more appropriately especially when such conversations can get heated with multiple points of view being expressed.

7.3: “Perfecting, pleasing, proving, and pretending get in the way of the strong back.” Brené encourages us to strengthen our courage muscles with BRAVING.
What practices from the BRAVING list in Chapter Seven do you see being used in your workplace?

Simon:

Boundaries: Some are happy not to be liked and some do nor realise how lack of progress can be disappointing especially if not communicated in a timely manner.
Reliability: Yes. Not much evidence of politics. We could have more truth telling.
Accountability: There is a lot of “that’s the way it is” instead of apologies, and lack of ownership to make progress when technical issues arise. It would be good of more saw the big picture of getting the whole of the job done.
Vault: Not much evidence of inappropriate communication or common enemy talk.
Integrity: Values need to be clearer including how they help and spotting people living them or conflicting with them.
Non-Judgement: See ownership above. Also a lot of people know how to do things but those are not now their responsibility but they still have to do them. A knowledge sharing issue when roles change.
Generosity: Lots of the above are pre-reqs for this being possible. Things should not just be left when 6 above happens.

7.4: Which ones are you already using yourself? Which do you want to begin to use?

Simon:

Boundaries: I remain too “nice” at work. I still let things go when things should be tightened up in other teams.
Reliability: I am clear in my communication.
Accountability: I own the problem even when in some cases it is not mine to own. I probably apologise too readily including for things that are not my responsibility.
Vault: Probably guilty of some common enemy talk when discussing how to get things done. Not a gossip-er. Being a project manager means that clear talking about issues/risks makes such talk quite easy in that context. I can keep my mouth shut when appropriate.
Integrity: The challenge here is what are our values. Not uppermost in anyone’s mind formally. What is the list? I am certainly living to my own professional values.
Non-Judgement: Definitely find it easy asking for help but can be a challenge when those being asked are not always forthcoming with that help even when that is their responsibility. I do see my service role as part of my identity but in a professional and sensible way.
Generosity: I do expect the best from people and not always think the worst of (some) people. I do need to be more committed to improving some situations where in the past I may have felt it was pointless. Do I still think this and what am I going to do about it? Is it worth the effort? Would things change?

7.5: “Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

What does this quote mean to you? What do you want to take from it and incorporate into your thoughts, feeling, and actions?

Simon: I am in a season where I am looking for the first time really about me and self-care. This book and Reinvention Roadmap and the Working Out Loud Self-Care Circle are all overlapping and helping. I am my own worst critic and need to look at myself more objectively than before. Some of these issues are external and some internal. I do need to sort myself out and become even more effective than I am already. I may overstep the mark in asking for feedback after meetings etc but in some organisations this would be the norm in any case. I need to be less harsh on myself. I am increasingly comfortable in my own skin with how God has wired me. I need to act like I do actually belong wherever I am at a specific point in time.

Pages

Sunday, January 06, 2019

Book: Braving the Wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone; Brene Brown;

Why am I reading this book?

About the Book

Chapter 1: Everywhere and nowhere

Exercise: My response to this chapter

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 2: The quest for true belonging

True Belonging

Defining True Belonging

The Wilderness

Braving Skills

Trusting Others

Self-Trust

The Quest and the Paradox

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 3: High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis

My notes from the chapter

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 4: People are hard to hate close up. Move in

There are always boundaries, even in the wilderness

The courage to embrace our humanity

Conflict transformation

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 5: Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil

Bullshit

If you’re not with me then you’re my enemy

Civility

Braving

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 6: Hold Hands With Strangers

Cover it all in leather

You’ll never walk alone

Callin’ Baton Rouge

Wands up

The people of FM 1960

We choose love

Inextricable connection

A sensation of sacredness

A ministry of presence

Common enemy intimacy

Getting social

Facebook and my first true love

Courage and the collective

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

Chapter 7: Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

Strong Back

A Soft Front

Wild Heart

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Home (Brene’s Worksheet)

Exercise: Braving the Wilderness At Work (Brene’s Worksheet)

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